Review: Babylon A.D.

First off, note the abbreviaton for Babylon A.D. is “B.A.D.” which is ******* apt, believe me. Brief review: this film sucks.

In fairness, I did expect it to be **** before I saw it. I checked out the reviews and they universally panned it (except the red-tops in the UK which seem incapable of giving any film with explosions in it less than three out of five), but I had an afternoon to kill and cinema tickets are less than two quid in Kuala Lumpur. Unfortunately they also only do “caramel” and “sweet” popcorn. Ick.

The film fails on so many points. The direction is atrocious. Cuts are in bad places (and I’m not talking about the ludicrous hatchet-jobs done by the Malaysian censors). The fight sequences are the most confusing and least watchable I’ve endured since Daredevil.

The dialogue us utterly, utterly ******* awful. It’s so trite. And the way the little travelling group turn from suspicious to best of buds in the space of a couple of hours is nonsensical. The “near sex” scene… what a crock. The mawkish ending… sick-making. Then the next stage of the pointless ending, even more so.

And let’s not forget some of the acting. ****’s sake. OK, Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel. Nobody expects anything else from him. Monotone, face like a slapped monkey, punches things. Not too hard. But Charlotte Rampling? The last time I heard such an overacted voice it was from a child actor. I’d have expected better from her.

It was a surprise to hear some decent music in the soundtrack – Sepultura’s Dead Embryonic Cells turns up in a fight scene. And – lo – but it is butchered about as badly as any of the rest of the film. Amusingly, though, the Malaysian authorities didn’t seem to notice the word “****” in the lyrics so that has, at least, been left unmolested. A shame the director (or whoever’s to blame since he withdrew his name from the film) did such an atrocious job of the sound mix it sounds like a broken tape.

Overall? No redeeming features what-so-*******-ever. If you fancy Vin Diesel, download some pictures and have a ****. Or wait for Fast & Furious to come out next year.