This won’t be so much as a review as a warning. Don’t, for the sake of anything you deem holy, waste your money on St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold.

Plot-in-a-nutshell: Who cares? Really? I don’t.

I gave this film a chance and it bit me on the nads. The cast are awful. The girls aren’t even hot. The script’s pants. Even the make-up is rubbish – you can see that some of the younger girls have blacked-out, rather than missing, teeth.

The whole thing simply stinks.

Whereas ex-Dr Who Christopher Ecclestone was awful in the otherwise entertaining G.I Joe, soon-to-be-ex-Dr Who David Tennant is one of the few saving graces… no. The only saving grace in this otherwise atrocious waste of celluloid.

When the “funniest” moment in a film is Colin Firth‘s leg being humped by a small dog, you know a film doesn’t have a hope in Hell. Especially when the exact same joke (I believe) was used in the first film.

Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter crap.