Mike Dean, you’re a ******

Wigan Athletic crest

I’ve no idea if I’ve railed about Mike Dean before, but he’s this week’s ***** Referee. Along with Wigan Athletic cheating (Heskey in particular – diving bastard), Dean seemed to have made his mind up at kickoff that Newcastle United wouldn’t be walking off with any points in yesterday’s game.

I listened to a bit of the game, followed as much as I could on the BBC live text and watched the highlighs on Match of the Day. Heskey should have won a free kick way outside the box, near the halfway line. The linesman Was going apoplectic waving his flag and the referee ignored it. Until Heskey tumbled in the box while there was no contact.

Sure, had he gone down under a challenge then I’d have been forced to accept they deserved a penalty. And with the “last man” rule then Bassong would have had to go. Thing is, at the point Heskey went down there was no contact. Which makes him a cheat and the referee a fool.

Cattermole’s challenge on Beye wasn’t great, but neither was it malicious. Still, no use to Habib who’s now missing a few games.

And then the yellow card to Andy Carroll for diving. Which seems a bit harsh given that he had a Wigan player’s knee in his spine at the time he went down. The referee had a clear view and rather than give us the chance to level the score (and make up for missing a blatant Wigan handball two minutes earlier) he brandished his yellow at entirely the wrong player.

So stand up, Mr Dean, and accept your award for ***** Referee of the Week. Feel free to take the trophy down to the pawn shop and get some cash to put towards some ******* glasses. You ******.

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May I just say…

There are a few things I know about my grandpa’s military career. Not a lot as he refused to talk about a lot of it. I know he was on the beaches at Normandy. I know he was in the Commandos in one form or another.

But over the years it gradually takes shape. Little bits come from the family. Some info here, some info there.

And every time I have more respect for him and for the people he served with. I learn that bit more. In my lifetime he’s gone from “being in the army” to “being in the Commandos” to “being on the beaches at Normandy”.

Today I found out he was in the military wing that created the first branch, wing or group – whatever – of what was to become the SAS. As I type this I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. My grandfather helped form what is one of the best-known and best-respected subsection of any armed force worldwide.

The SAS has a reputation second to none. I’m not being big-headed, but you ask anyone. From the US Marines to the Taliban – the SAS is the ultimate fighting regiment. Anywhere. Any country. They are, simply, the best.

And my grandfather was one of the originals. The men who formed it. The first to join it. And – at the time – for the best reasons.

All these years later, he would never talk about what he did in the war. Now, whether that’s because of orders or because he realised it wasn’t for the eyes and ears of people who weren’t there I don’t know… I don’t know.

I think it was more for the latter. War’s bad. Spilling blood it bad. Killing men who are fighting for their own cause is bad.

But to hold all that in, and remember it and not show off about it… that is good. Very good.

And here I am celebrating Christmas. With some wonderful people. Which I may not have been able to do without the efforts of people such as my grandad.

And I have just got to say:

Thank you

To all of you.

To my grandad, and to everyone who served with him, alongside him. To the British and Americans, the French, the Russians (eventually), the Spanish, the Canadians, the Aussies, the Kiwis, the Belgians… everyone. And I include the Germans in this. We all know how the war went – I personally don’t blame the German people for anything that happened.

From myself and everyone downstairs from me enjoying a great Christmas party. We couldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for you.

Words fail me to explain and thank you for what you did for me and for everyone I know.

To all of you. Every one of you.

To their relatives.

To their descendents.

To their wives, husbands, children, partners.

Thank you.

Grandad – I love you.

Thank you.

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Eoin Colfer – new HHGTTG author

For those who didn’t know, there is a new Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy novel coming out in 2009. Bearing in mind that Douglas Adams is dead, this would ordinarily be tricky but the publishers have followed in recent footsteps and chosen a replacement author to continue the franchise. Along with JM Barrie‘s memory being trodden on for a new Peter Pan book (admittedly for charity) and a string of new Bond books being released, children’s author Eoin Colfer has been chosen to pen the ongoing adventures of Arthur Dent.

The book will be called And Another Thing and will be published on 12 October 2009 – 30 years after the publication of the original HHGTTG novel.

OK, this isn’t really “news” having been announced three months or so ago. The reason for the post is that ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, the official Douglas Adams fan club, kindly sent me two Eoin Colfer books to read to see what they were like. In exchange for which I review them for the society magazine. Fair swaps.

The first one I read was The Legend of Spud Murphy (US readers, check this link). This one’s definitely for younger readers and has the large text and pictures to prove it. However, I like the quote from C.S.Lewis (even if he was a God-botherer) that if a book can only be enjoyed by children then it’s not a good book. Legend… was enjoyed by this big kid.

I could imagine sitting and reading this in front of a class of schoolchildren. In fact, Leah is pinching it off me to do just that for the new school term. It’s a simple, well-written little tale about two brothers who are forced by their parents to visit a local library three days a week over the holidays as punishment for misbehaviour.

The librarian is the villain of the piece. A scary, witch-like old Irish lady (well, she would be – Colfer’s Irish and his books are all set there) who rules her bookish domain with a road of iron. Actually, not so much a rod as a gas-powered spud gun that fires whole spuds. At least, that’s according to local legend.

Colfer’s written the book from the point of view of one of the boys, and everything reads as you’d expect it to from the viewpoint of a 10 year-old. Adults are scary. Rules are there to be broken. Punishment is unfair.

Yet everything, without spoiling it, comes good for our hero at the end. What I absolutely love about this book is the message. It might as well have tinsel and a brass band and a firework display at the end declaring “READING IS GOOD”. It’s a book that, if children enjoy it, should encourage them to use libraries and realise they’re not scary, boring places.

From a ZZ9 point of view, not the best one to review to gauge Colfer as a prospective HHG author, though. The age of the potential readership is perhaps a little low and the writing appropriately simplistic.

However, I then moved on to Half Moon Investigations (US readers go to this link), the first in one of Colfer’s two main series (the other is the rather highly-acclaimed Artemis Fowl sequence). This is a larger book and definitely aimed at a slightly older audience. Not that I read a lot of so-called children’s books *cough*, but I’d gear it agewise as equivalent to the first Harry Potter or Alex Rider novels. Both of those series grew in maturity with their audiences, so perhaps this one does as well.

The plot, in brief: Fletcher Moon is a 12 year-old with a detective badge. He passed some exams via the internet (using his father’s ID) and now acts as a private detective in his home town of Lock. Of course, adults aren’t too impressed with this – he’s obviously just playing games to them – so he tries to remain low key.

As must be the case for a novel to take place, strange things start to happen. Something is up in the town of Lock and Moon finds himself dragged right into it. Accused of being part of it. And on the run.

In the great tradition of the likes of the Red Hand Gang, this is a story of children getting out of their depths, but it never really reaches the bounds of being completely unbelievable.

The first thing I noticed is Colfer’s good use of English. Thing is, this is something Douglas was famous for. To the point where he’d spend a week with blood coming out of his forehead and only add an extra three lines to a page. And remove four other ones. Frankly, it’s amazing Adams wrote anything as he seemed to edit more out of his text than he added in.

One of the things that appealed to me about the Hitchhiker’s novels was how simply they were written. Anyone could read them (subject matter and language in later volumes notwithstanding) and it’s now that I look at it from an outside point of view that I realise why – Adams’ writing was childishly simple. Clever, subtle, deep… but simple.

And this is where Colfer’s background as a children’s author could really work in his favour. The level of humour he has running underneath the text constantly bubbles things along. Occasionally some comparison or choice of words will raise a smile. The plot never stopped moving onwards.

Can he make this work using more grown-up environments and having to engage his imagination more? That I can’t answer. As far as I’m aware, all of his books to date are set in the “real” world. No aliens, or monsters or Joo Janta 500 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. I can see him handling the now-experienced Arthur Dent (in some ways aloof in a similar way to Moon), but will he be able to offer anything new as far as the environment surrounding the character is concerned?

Having read these two books, I’m more prepared to give him a chance than I was previously. Much more.

Roll on, October.

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Dredd returns

Judge Dredd

News is now popping out that a new Judge Dredd movie has been green-lit. My first reaction was “Oh, Hell. No. No no no no no”. But that’s an obvious knee-jerk given the cinematic abortion that resulted from putting Sylvester Stallone in the lead rĂ´le and hiring a bunch of ******* who didn’t give a **** about comics continuity as script-writers.

For those more familiar with the Marvel world, let’s just say that the 1995 Judge Dredd plot was akin to having Spiderman appear maskless; his uncle still being alive; Aunt May being a lesbian; Spidey teaming up with Sandman (played by Joe Pesci for humour value); and killing off The Kingpin. Just ignore anything and everything in the continuity. It doesn’t matter. It’s only a film about a comic. Nobody will care.

The new productions company is DNA, fronted by Danny Boyle. Now, this is something very different from what Boyle/DNA have done before. Their cinematic repertoire is pretty good, but I think this is their first license. However… the main thing that makes me feel positive is that they simply won’t want the backlash that results after the first one came out.

Given it’s also a new company and a fresh license they can get away with pretending the first film never happened. **** know, I wish I could.

Credit where it’s due – the designers and builders who created the vision of Mega-City 1 for the original film deserve plaudits. Sure, there were differences between the comic and the film version but that’s akin to giving a new artist a license to tweak things to his own style. And why shouldn’t the LawMaster be able to fly? There are plenty of other flying vehicles in the Big Meg. Plus, those huge shoulder-eagles aren’t evry practical, even if they do look good in the comic.

Nah, that was all fine. But the script-writers should have been taken down a back alley and shown how a daystick works. Particularly the guy who though nobody would mind The Ferg’s memory being besmirched by turning him into an annoying Pesci-like sidekick.

Mr Boyle, the ball is in your court. I have faith in you and your company. Please don’t let me down like the last lot did.

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99 things

I pinched this meme from Six Impossible Things who pinched it from someone else. Feel free to rip it off for your own blog and post a link back.

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to: leave in plain font

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band (although only for 2-3 rehearsals)
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity (once – went bid-silly on a charity auction)
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain (Mount Fansipan in Vietnam)
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped (hell, no. Jump out of a ‘plane? Easy. Bungy? NO!)
12. visited Paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch (playing guitar (badly) is an art, right?)
15. adopted a child (dependant on child-rearing abilities, I’d consider it)
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. grown your own vegetables (when I was a nipper and we lived in Scotland)
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France (best bit is I could have – but I couldn’t be arsed)
20. slept on an overnight train (soooo many times now)
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked (Oz, Israel, most of Europe…)
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse (Dundee in… 2000?)
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen Niagara Falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors (how far back are “ancestors” anyway?)
35. seen an Amish community
36. taught yourself a new language (well, bits and pieces)
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person (again, had the chance, couldn’t be arsed)
41. sung karaoke
42. seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited Africa (well, Nigeria. Twice)
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance (accompanying someone else)
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the Sistine Chapel in person (been near, didn’t care for the queues)
50. been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkelling (qualified Divemaster)
52. kissed in the rain (and more *ahem*)
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie (missed out on a chance at a Bollywood feature by hours. Dammit)
56. visited the Great Wall of China
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class (one class, precisely. For 45 minutes. When I was 12)
59. visited Russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a cheque
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favourite childhood toy
70. visited the Lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in Times Square
74. toured the Everglades
75. been fired from a job (not so much fired as failed to finish my probationary period, but…)
76. seen the changing of the guard in London
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican (almost, see Sistine Chapel above. One is within the other!)
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in Jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the White House
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swum in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee (I think – stung by something when I was younger anyway)

OK, so totals…

Done: 46
Want to do: 31
Neither: 19

Which I know doesn’t add up to 99, but it’s close enough and I’m off out to play withlook at toys to buy at Toys R Us.

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