Author: Mosh

At last!

Had some fun with the whole Download thing. Sadly, Steph can’t come with us as her work very kindly decided not to let her have the time off that she booked a few weeks ago. ********.

Since Monday we’ve been trying to shift the spare ticket so she’s not out of pocket. eBay, the Download web site, going through phone books, email lists, asking friends to ask friends… A nightmare.

Finally, Steph called to say a guy at work would take it. I talked to him and we sorted out train times, he went into town and got his tickets. And then his mother went bugfuck that he was planning on throwing a sickie, threatened to chuck him out of the house.

One of Anni‘s mates was getting tempted, but has found out that his other half is pregnant and they have an appointment for some scans at the weekend.

Andy is only interested in Garbage and Feeder, and had appointments elsewhere over the weekend so couldn’t manage the Sat/Sun.

Finally, in stepped Liam at the 22 1/2th hour (counting down). And Andy’s decided to get a Friday day ticket and come with as well.

*phew*

I’d still rather be camping (Anni insisted on somewhere she could shower every night so we miss out on the funfair, movie theatre, 5-a-side, chance to get pissed 24 hours a day), but a Travelodge actually works out cheaper between four.

Looks set for a good weekend. And a nice warmup for Graspop with Dawn!

And with that, I bid you adyeaurgh. I return sometime silly on Monday morning and will post stuff… after that.

Be careful, kids

So the conversation in work turned to skin complaints, rashes, STDs and so forth. As it does. Hey, we’re busy people. We need our distractions.

B was talking about some fit Swedish au pair one of her mates had to burst out and told her she had “blood in her wee wee” and wanted to ring her mum at silly o’clock at night. R apparently used to have some kind of exczema that spread stupidly easily if you scratched it.

I’ve only ever had one sexually-related skin rash. It was itchy as hell. Little white dots around inflamed red skin. I didn’t bother going to the doctors – it seemed to settle itself down.

I put my arm in a patch of nettles while I was shagging someone outdoors.

Still, it could have been worse… I could have been running around trying to find bay leaves to rub on my genitals. “It’s swollen and needs rubbed and it won’t go down!”

Instant arrest.

So there you go, kids. Always practise safe sex – put a blanket down before shagging in a field. Or don’t do it at night, so you can at least see what you’re fumbling around in.

Poo woe

Is it natural to be able to half-fill an entire loo with poop? I just had one of those “cold sweat go go go” moments and had to peg it to the lavvy. Twenty minutes and some stomach cramps later and the curled log was about halfway up the sides. I’d suspect the rest was already exploring the U-bend.

I really shouldn’t have dinner around 11pm. I’m sure it’s not doing my digestion any good.

Mind you, it killed a few minutes before hometime.

Wrong kind of “fit”

This fitness lark is dangerous. A lass at the gym had a fit today. Not over their prices, either.

She walked onto one of the running machines, then seemed to change her mind and wandered over to one of the floor mats, lay down and looked like she was stretching.

Thing is, a minute or two later and she’d kind of stopped. No movement.

Eek.

The staff, though, were pretty quick to sort her, though I was concerned that they didn’t put her into a recovery position. She was obviously fitting, though (tensing, then untensing) so she’d likely have thrown herself out of position anyway.

An ambulance was called, but by the time they were on their way she’d regained consciousness and was acting perfectly well, although was rather embarassed.

It seems she’s had these things since she was a kid, and had her medication changed recently. She’s in there at lunchtime, the same as me, and is always by herself. She now knows about five people there fairly well, so we’ll keep an eye out for her in future.

And to think, I whinge if my leg hurts a bit the day after. Yeesh.

I think he may be gay

I was having a bit nosey around the network and found someone’s mp3 collection on their laptop. He’s got about 12 Britney Spears tracks and a dozen by Rachel Stevens.

The sad bastard.

Utter bastard

Anyone remember that American **** a few months ago who shot a police officer dead in cold blood? While he begged for his life? The one they caught in a hotel in Gateshead a short while later?

Well, when they arrested him, theh found £6000 or so on him which was impounded. Eventually it was determined that there was no proof that it was illegally earned and after a court case yesterday, Mr Murdering ******* Scumbag (also wanted by the FBI) had it returned.

So far, so shitty. But check the bottom of the first news story above. Does anyone around here want to admit to me that they’re one of the dumb ***** who gave him “overwhelming support”? And if so, what the hell for?

Look – this stain of **** killed an innocent man, an unarmed man who was no threat to him. A man with a wife and children. He then goes on to whinge about his money. Look, it’s costing us a fortune to keep this bastard locked away, the court case cost money, the reparations to his widow will have cost.

In a fairer world, Captain **** would be stripped of everything. His money, his clothes, his ******* skin. His right not to be buggered with a glass-encrusted baseball bat. The works.

Sadly, there are far too many do-gooders out there who want people to have a “second chance”. Did he give the PC a second chance? Did he ****. This **** deserves to be beaten black and blue every day from now until he dies from painful internal injuries, or being unable to eat. Whatever, I could be inventive.

Instead, he’s being put in a jail – at our expense. He’ll have food and TV – at our expense. Access to study aids – at our expense. Because he’s a cop-killer he’ll also be quite high-ranking within the prison system, so he’s not likely to get the shivving he deserves.

Vote me for world leader. Anyone guilty of a crime like that will have to be shackled to a table, face the victim’s family and – if they can’t work up the anger to beat the living crap out of him – pass him on to an angry mob. They’d all be volunteers and would have to make their own way to wherever he was being held. This would mean little expenditure by the state, and a guarantee that they were there to really give him a hiding.

Oh, and as world leader, I’d have first go. Knackers in a vice would be a good start. Just until they popped.

Now, anyone care to stand up and say they gave him support now? Or maybe he’s just full of ***** and nobody really gave a ****.

Nice person

Congratulations to smellyourmum.com for being honest. I spotted a fault on one of their t-shirts, and received a swift reply. OK, they can’t fix the problem, but at least they admitted they’d cocked up!

I’m not normally one to advertise, but they sell the shirts to help fund their band and they’re nice and cheap. I’ve bought two shirts off them already and I’ve lost count of the number of others I want! I guess in this case, I’ll definitely have to go and look for a different Sunday shirt, though.

My original mail:

Folks,

First off, thanks for the shirts I’ve already bought. My only problem is you have far too many other good ones… Thing is, one of the ones I want is the “Satan oves You” shirt, but there’s a teeny problem with it. The pentagram on it is upside down!

While the pentagram can be either way up for virtually any other religion, in Satanism it’s virtually always “single point down”. The following is a rather handy link – about halfway down.

http://altreligion.about.com/library/weekly/aa100102a.htm

Do a shirt with a “point down” pentagram and you have a sale 🙂

And their reply:

major cockup by me i’m afraid. i did two with the pentagram wrong and, it
wasn’t until i saw the screen when i finished i realised. thing is, we
would have to make a whole new screen and, as it is an old design for us now
(and, to be honest, most people don’t realise the mistake!), it’z not viable
for us to do it. hopefully you’ll see something else you like though \m/

cheerz!

Lord ZiON
Godfather of the SPiT LiKE THiS Universe >>>

This exercise lark is insane

You know that point where you work yourself to the point you feel sick? I think perhaps that’s where I should have stopped at the gym at lunchtime. This is not a good way to impress the fit ladies in their skin-tight leotards. Although, fortunately, they do seem to wipe clean fairly easily.

Thank you for small blessings. At least I don’t need to worry about other people’s dry cleaning.

However, there is one plus side to all this working out (other than getting to see women sweating and panting without having to pay them or get them drunk first) – I’m sleeping rather well. Or at least, I’m sleeping deeply, because I’m knackered.

Unfortunately, this is coupled with waking up every time I roll over due to the agonising pain in my torn muscles.

Ow.

Mind you, I’m running on a profit now. Some muppet left their quid deposit in the locker so I pinched it. Bwahahaha! Now watch me do the same next week.

Film reviews from on high

I just got detroit Rock City back off Paul at work (recommended, by the way – very funny film) and thought I’d have a quick shufty on the net for reviews. Specific kinds of reviews. You see, it’s somewhat critical of organised religion (in particular one kid’s domineering bible-bashing mother), so I was curious to see how some of the christian web sites responded to it.

Thing is, most of the sites are awful. One didn’t have it, one required subscription, one had no search facility and another was blocked by our work’s SurfControl software for hosting inappropriate content.

So it looks like the devil does have all the best tunes. And film reviews.

Though it’s nice to see Layer Cake (a film I really enjoyed) being rated “-4 Abhorrent” on one site. Frankly, I think I’ll return to that site more often and keep my eyes out for all the ones they slate.

Mystery recipe

I bought some 6-packs of Virgin Cola the other day (buy one get one free – my usual means of food purchasing). “Great New Taste” is blares on the side.

And you know what?

Yep. It tastes exactly the ******* same as it ever did. Like Coke. They all taste like Coke. Except Diet Coke. That tastes like hamster wee.

World changed forever

Oh ****. The Other Chris, who posted in my comments a while ago, was right. Maynards seem to have bought out Lion and re-launched Midget Gems and Sports Mixture… and they’ve taken the liquorice ones out, replacing them with blackcurrant.

I see a letter of complaint coming on. I mean, what’s the ******* point? Midget Gems have sold by the shiteload for over 80 years. If anyone wants blackcurrant, they can **** off and buy Wine Gums.

My world will now never be complete as my liquorice Midget Gems have been taken from me. Wo is me.

Separated at birth

Doesn’t Malcolm Glazer look like Mortiis with a beard? Or that dwarf from Lord of the Rings? Or a rich, spoilt **** with stupid, smug little grin?

More food secrets

Yeah, OK. I’m bored and only have half an hour before hometime. So I was reading the ingredients list on my shiny silver packet of Orbit Professional White Peppermint Sugarfree Gum With BI-WHITE®. It “whitens teeth”, presumably courtesy of this BI-WHITE® stuff.

A quick look at the ingredients list reveals that their Corporate Secrets department have ****** up:

“Sodium Bicarbonate 0.1% (Bi-White)”

So, basically, it’s got baking soda in. Which apparently now goes under the name BI-WHITE®. I’ll look for it on the shelves.

Allergies

It’s official. I’m allergic to exercise. Well, I think I am.

I’ve decided to cycle to work a few times a week (10 miles each way) and have joined the gym nearby. On the days I don’t cycle, I’ll go there. Well, once I’ve managed to cycle to work. I’ve manage about a mile so far before wanting to donate my legs to medical science as paperweights.

As a quick aside, the gym was a very good deal. As I work in the same area (Dean Clough in Halifax), they waive the £100 joining fee, reduce the admin fee by £15 and knock the monthly membership down by £6. In addition, my work give me around £15 (pre-tax) towards the membership. It works out at less than a quid a day. Not bad even if I just use the sauna, jacuzzi and showers.

Thing is, since I brought the bike home, every time I go through the manuals, sort out the safety helmet and so on I start sneezing. I was at it for ages the other night.

Then I went into work the morning, and I had my induction/health check thing at the gym at lunchtime. I was sneezing again. Lots. No other allergy signs, so it’s not hay fever.

I therefore decree that exercise is bad for me and for health and safety reasons, I should forever be a lazy lardass.

I just need a doctor to give me a note.

Some mistake, surely?

As I mentioned, I went for my health check thingy at the gym at lunchtime. The results were… surprising. Despite my “I am pregnant” belly and spine curvature, and the fact I get knackered walking up the steps to bed, I’m apparently very fit.

Resting heart rate is 59bpm. The average for my age is 70-odd. My body fat is 18.2%, well within the 17-23% range. My systolic blood pressure is the only worry, being “borderline”. I can live with that.

Since then I’ve had two of my three “starter sessions” with a personal instructor (Steve), which have been rather eye-opening. Actually, not really. I knew I was ******* unfit and these have proved it more than the silly tests.

I’ve been every day since the start of last week and I’m not fit yet. It’s obviously a con and I may as well pack in now. Only I’m tied up for 3 months’ minimum. Grr. Well, with a 30-minute workout every lunchtime, plus a bike ride every other night and two 3-day festivals before the end of the month, I’ll be surprised if I see July this year.

What the hell have I let myself in for?