Author: Mosh

I know some of these will earn me a slating, especially as some are rated as “classics”. The thing is, who rates them? It seems to be film councils full of old-timers, or art critics who’ll say that anything done all “fancy-like” is better than 90 minutes of aliens getting shot full of holes, or buildings being blown up. So what do they know?

If someone has to explain to me why a film is good, then it isn’t. Film is primarily there to entertain me. If I don’t “get” it, then it’s failed to do its job.

Feel free to disagree, as long as you say why. Despite what some people have been harping about recently, I do realise that other people have opinions. While I am satisfied that I’m right, and you’re wrong, it’s nice to know there’s someone out there I’m pissing off.

So here we go:

Clerks – Chris’ll hate me for this one, but it is rubbish. After hearing/reading every film critic going splatter his gunk over how fantastic and spoogeworthy this is, I finally saw it. I think I fell asleep after about 15 minutes. It’s a huge collection of inane rambling and in-jokes that only people who have a strange fascination for Kevin Smith will find remotely interesting. Just in case that doesn’t get me crucified, I thought Mallrats was much better. How he got a career off the back of this, I will never fathom. You want to see a first movie? Get a copy of Bad Taste. From there to Lord of the Rings. That is a director.

Trainspotting – yes, it had its moments. Begby is outstanding as a character and it launched precisely one major movie career (and a TV one). Still, Shallow Grave is a better story and doesn’t need subtitles for anyone who’s not got Scottish relatives (which I do, by the way).

The Godfather – dull, dull, dull. You want gangsters, get Goodfellas. Marlon Brando also ranks as one of the most over-rated actors of all time as well. He also features in…

Apocalypse Now – what a collosal mess. Slow, drawn out and obviously one person’s art-riddled dream come true.

Withnail & I – who on earth classed this as a comedy? It’s less funny than The Office and that takes some doing. Complete toss. I paid money for this on video (when videos were expensive) as some film magazine rated it as the best comedy film of all time. It’s not a comedy because it’s not funny!

This is Spinal Tap – One I really thought I’d like, but for some reason I don’t. You read little snippets of script, hear out-takes and it seems hilarious. But watching it in real life is a totally different experience.

Get Carter (original) – crap fake Geordie accents, slow story, wooden acting. The only thing going for it is the scenery – and that’s only because I can play “I know where that is”.

Das Boot – how boring can one film be? Stupidly long (and extended for the TV series), and utterly, utterly yawnsome.

There are more. This will be added to. I will annoy more people.

I have to admit, even though I don’t follow ManUre *spit*, I’m a little concerned about this and its possible effects on football in general.

However, I note “Manchester United fans gathered in London on Friday in order to drive home the message…”. Well, they’d hardly drive all the way to Manchester for a protest, would they? Far too far away from where all the ManUre fans live.

I pinched this off a mate’s blog:

Published on Sunday, October 10, 2004 by the Charleston Gazette (West Virginia)

Gospel of George Bush

by Denise Giardina

AND HE TAUGHT them, saying:

1. Blessed are the rich, for they have more than they need and still they take with such joy.

2. Blessed are those who mourn, for their numbers shall multiply.

3. Blessed are the meek, especially the liberals, for they will not stand up to me.

4. Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, for they may wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills the fastest.

5. Blessed are those who are not merciful, for they shall laugh upon those without health insurance.

6. Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they shall promote religious fascism.

7. Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall control the world’s resources.

8. Blessed are those who persecute, for they shall trample upon the First Amendment.

9. Blessed are you when you are an abject failure, yet people still think you’re doing a fine job.

10. Blessed are you when you base your policies upon a fundamentalist interpretation of scripture. You violate the consciences of millions of Americans. But they’re going to Hell anyway.

11. Blessed are the undecided and those who don’t vote, for you allow me to get away with murder.

12. Blessed are the Americans, for God loves us better than anyone else.

13. Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But I tell you, do unto others before they do unto you. And be sure to use cluster bombs.

14. If you are offering your gift at the altar, and then remember that your brother has something against you, have your friends run as many untruthful TV ads as they can. And do not fear to lie, for if you do it often enough, you shall be believed.

15. And if anyone oppose you, yea even if they wear an insulting T-shirt, shake the dust of your shoes in their face, have them arrested, fire them from their job and confine them in a pen called a free speech zone where they may enjoy their freedom in security. Also make certain your friends in the TV media ignore their point of view.

16. Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” But I say that is ridiculous, for it means I’m as bad as those awful homosexuals. Jesus didn’t say anything about them. Perhaps that’s a gap in the record, like my National Guard service.

17. Jesus said if anyone would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well. But I say to you, tell the lazy bum to get three minimum wage jobs. That’s why we have three shifts.

18. Lay up your treasures on earth, for if you have a lot, you will be eligible for a big tax cut. And I shall let you keep your money for your own benefit, not give it to a bunch of stupid old people on Social Security. I may even figure out a way you can take your treasure to heaven with you, if Dick Cheney tells me what it is.

19. Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Do you ever wonder if Jesus was smoking some of that stuff I got hold of back in the ’70s?) But I say, “Bring ’em on!” Bring on all the Arabs and the U.N. and the cowardly French and Germans and Russians and the Canadians and the wimpy liberals and even the New York Yankees! Who cares if they hate us as long as they fear us! Veni, vidi, vici! (Bet you didn’t think I know Latin.)

20. You, therefore, must be perfect, as I am perfect. As I said in a recent press conference, I can’t think of a single mistake I’ve made. And I thank my Father, who makes sure that no matter what I do, I get away with it.

While I maintain that garlic is the devil’s own scrotal contents, Olbas Oil is my current favourite smell. Partially because I can actually smell it. Something of a novelty, given that I’ve not been able to move air through my nostrils for 4 days.

Having spent 4 days off work with a hyperactive cat, I am going to invest in a water pistol. Having suffered more scratches and bites for having the temerity of attempting to stroke her, I think it is now time that some form of training regime should take place. That and I caught her drinking out of my glass of milk at lunchtime.

I am also tempted to try View From The Bar‘s catnip experiment, although I expect it to work in reverse. Whereas his moggy loves the stuff, mine seems to hate it. I wonder how a cat runs away from it’s own catnip-scented tail…?

Before anyone asks, I’m not going to bother with the perpetual motion machine involving a cat with buttered toast on its back. Incidentally, you know the way cats always land on their feet if you drop them upside down?

Kittens don’t.