Shock Horror! I’m agreeing with the Church!

A statement was released by the Archbishop of York the other day stating that football games shouldn’t be played on Easter Sunday.

Now his reasons are the usual bunkum about it being a special day or worship (for less than 10% of the UK population if I remember the church attendance figures). Therefore the remaining 90% or so should do without.

[Actually, I just did a quick Google. Church attendance is now measured as “attending at least once per month” and the figures for 2007 were 15% – source]

However.

He’s right. Football shouldn’t be played on Easter Sunday. Or any Sunday. Or indeed on Fridays (and not because it’ll annoy the Jewish or Muslim populations, who incidentally seem to have better things to do than whinge about traffic problems near their synagogues and mosques).

It should be played at the traditional fixture time of Saturday afternoon at 3 o’clock. Think how much easier it would make it to get to those away matches. No more bloody late-night kickoffs in the middle of the weeks meaning a nightmare of a journey between Newcastle and London or whatever.

That way, the only people who get pissed off at the people who own Sky and Setanta because they can’t leach as much money out of us.

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The Pope is a fuckwit

Pope Benedict XVI during visit to São Paulo, B...
His parents should have used condoms

OK, Pope Benedict XVI is both an ex-Nazi and a complete and utter fucking idiot. Well, obviously being the head of the Catholic church he’s already short of a few beans, but he’s really just proved it beyond reasonable doubt with his latest spouting of gobshite.

It seems that condoms are not the answer in fight against AIDS. According to the Associated Press, Benedict said “you can’t resolve it with the distribution of condoms.” He said that “on the contrary it increases the problem.”

He’s heading for Africa which is renowned for having one of the worst AIDS problems worldwide. This has not been helped by Catholic missionaries spreading lies like this for so long. Some people have been specifically told by them that using condoms will increase their risk of developing AIDS. Has the Catholic church got some evidence that the scientific community is missing? Or do they just hate black people to the point where they want to exterminate all Africans? Oh, wait… we’re back to Benedict being a member of the Hitler Youth again.

I know someone working in Bamenda, Cameroon. He’s there with a charity helping to promote condom use in a bid to reduce the number of AIDS-infected people there. He’s really working his arse off in a backwater town, living in a house with dodgy electricity and occasionally usable water supply. And along comes some sheltered idiot who lives in a palace who thinks he knows better than someone on the front line. Or several thousand people with medical degrees.

Dear Mr Pope. Please, please, please take your religion and fuck off. By all means, shag all the choirboys and puss-ridden whores that you please. After all, as long as you don’t use a condom then you’re fine. Just don’t try and destroy an entire continent through your ignorance and selfishness.

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A religious dude… who’s actually cool

Hans sent me this link to a story from the Canadian Globe & Mail. It’s about a monk who’s decided he rather like metal – he cites Megadeth and Dream Theatre as favourites – so he’s decided to form a band and play live. This year he played at Italy’s Gods of Metal festival for the third time and he’s racked up about 150 gigs so far.

His name’s Friar Cesare Bonizzi, he’s 62 and he’s a Capuchin Monk. Why do I like him so much? This quote from the article:

“I never did it to preach, I did it because music is beautiful … If I want to convert people, I simply want to convert them to life, to welcome life, to enjoy life,” he said.

“I am religious and I am a priest but I am not doing this to convert people to Christ, to faith or the Church, but for them to try to understand life, to be able to enjoy it. Nothing more.”

Good on him. He’s a prime example of a religious person I could not only tolerate, but really like. Good on him and I hope the new album does well. In the meantime, here’s a vid of him from the GOM festival.

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Funny or scary?

I know a lot of Christians. On the whole they’re nice folk who don’t piss me off by trying ton "save" me. Thanks for that. Generally, I don’t give a shit what religion someone is, as long as they realise that I don’t care and don’t want to join them.

Now, go have a look at this list of quotes people have lifted from various (predominantly Christian) websites. I’m also making a leap of judgement here, but I’m assuming American websites as well. Nobody else could be so narrow-minded and stupid.

It’s not like the cute quotes where kids say that flowers grow where Jesus walked and that kind of thing. It’s people displaying complete outright ignorance for science, technology and – worst of all – their fellow man.

Funny? Scary? I’m going for sickening. These people are prime examples of religion at its worst.

Underwear and god

[Another one I wrote about 8 months ago… and forgot to post]

OK, that’s a weird title. The explanation meanders a bit, but bear with me.

Another news story on 5-Live this morning that has since not appeared on the BBC News web site (as usual) is about a woman who’s been given an ASBO preventing her from answering the door in her underwear. Now, I don’t know why this has happened. Maybe she’s a complete munter, or she only does it to people she doesn’t like, or perhaps her undies are a bit dirty. I don’t know.

Anyway, someone texted in to the station and mentioned that it’s actually not a bad way to get rid of god-botherers when they come a-knockin’. Now, this is fair enough, but I find there are much more effective ways, though none that may try to convince them to “unconvert” like a semi-naked jiggly lady.

Now don’t get me wrong. Much as I may lay into Jesus-freaks and bible-bashers occasionally, I really have no beef with anyone of any religion. I just hate it when they try to make it my business when a person’s religion is their own. Knocking on my door is akin to trying to sell me double-glazing for my soul that I don’t want. Both sets of people turn up uninvited, usually at an inconvenient time. Both refuse to take “no”, “I’m busy” and eventually “look, just fuck off will you?” for an answer.

If I wanted “saved”, I’d find a church, much the same way that if I wanted double glazing I’d seek out a shop that sold it. And let’s face it – religion’s big money to some people these days. I believe the largest landowner in England today is the Church of England. I’m sure if we went through the books for the last 1000 years or so we’d not find many receipts for it either.

I digress. Frequently. Suggestions for getting rid of unwanted callers. Including ones on the phone. They’re fuckers as well. I had one guy who rang me at the same time on a Tuesday night for three weeks and couldn’t take a hint. I always tick the “No – sod off” box on forms when they ask if they can deluge me with shite or ring me up. Yet some people still think that they can (illegally) just ring me out of the blue.

This fella’s first line was always “I’d like to speak to Mosh”. My immediate response on the first occasion was “Well he doesn’t want to speak to you. Goodbye and don’t call me back.”

By law, if I state that I don’t want to be cold-called – which I did – they have to remove me from their register immediately.

A week later he rang back. My response this time was “He still doesn’t want to speak to you and if you call back again I will seek legal advice. Good bye.”

The next week, to him perhaps the third time lucky, I just told him to pass me on to a supervisor. I politely informed the gentleman… nah. Actually, I wasn’t polite. I firmly told the wanker that if they rang me again I’d see them in court. I had the times and dates of their calls and as I’d informed them twice that I didn’t wish to be contacted again, they’d have a nice hefty fine to pay.

Never called back.

Another one is to just say you’re busy and can they hold for a second… and then bugger off and leave the phone off the hook. Or ask for their number so you can ring them back… no, their home number. Be very persistent. Also inform them that for your security and training you’re recording the call. That always freaks them out. Note that if you are recording the call, it’s totally legal as long as the person on the other end is aware. If they aren’t happy being recorded, they’re the ones who made the call – all they have to do is hang up.

The fun one, though, is to waste as much of their time as you can. Not only does this ruin their wages (they get paid on commission), but it also reduces the time they have to spend annoying other people so you’re doing a bit of community service. Dick them around. Pretend you’ve got bad hearing. Make them repeat everything. Tell them you have to turn the oven down. Anything. Just keep them on the phone for an hour!

People at the door can be more fun as you can really piss them about. Back to the subject of the happy-clappers, I find that opening the door bathed in chicken blood is much more effective than any kind of lingerie, although some of them will run a mile from a guy dressed as Frank-N-Furter. One word of warning – others would see this as a challenge.

Threats can be great fun, but some will take genuine offense and the next person at your door could be wearing blue and carrying handcuffs (and not necessarily in a good way).

I, personally, find that a nice firm “fuck off” does the job. As does just shutting the door in their face. I had one pair who asked if I had any friends or neighbours that I could point them in the direction of. “No,” I said,”I kind of like my neighbours. Why would I inflict you on them? As for my friends? I’d like to keep them.”

Humour often works well:

  • “Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit”
  • “I’d talk to you but my boyfriend’s all lubed up upstairs and if he dribbles it makes a mess of the bedsheets”
  • “If I pray enough, will I win the Lottery? No? Well what’s the point then?”
  • “Are you proud of what you do? You are? Pride’s a sin, filthmonger! Get off my doorstep!”
  • “No offense, but I’ve got a severe phobia of bleeding to death. Also, I like easter eggs and I’d feel rude sending everyone’s xmas pressies back unopened” (jehovah’s witnesses, obviously)
  • “My arse still hurts from when I was in the choir as a little boy. None of the nice vicars seem interested in my now I’m older. Are there any priests with a fetish for older men? If there are, then sign me up. I’ve not had a good buggering in years”
  • “You’re cute. Wanna fuck? I won’t tell god if you don’t”
  • “Don’t you believe that masturbation causes homosexuality? Because I wank all the time and I still fuck women, so you must be wrong. And if you can get that wrong, I just don’t trust anything else you say.”

I expect to come home one day to find a big X painted on the door and “unclean” plastered everywhere…

One warning – the BNP. To those outside the UK, that’s the British National Party. Also known as Those Racist Nazi Thug Bastard Scum. Bear in mind that you can piss about with the religious people at the door and they’ll just go away. Do this to the BNP and you’ll likely wake to the sound of your car being trashed and crosses being burned on your lawn.