Jap porn

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I’m no longer in Japan, having had to cut my visit short. But yesterday I was traipsing around a couple of areas of Tokyo. At one point I was in dire need of a poo, so I found a loo in one of the subway stations and squatted down. I had to squat as it was a squat toilet – generally the ones in the station are 1 “throne” to 2 “squat”.

Anyway, on finishing I spotted a plastic bag sat on the shelf next to the loo in the cubicle. Being curious (I was in a foreign country, after all) I peeked inside. And found an empty DVD package. With the cover reversed on it.

Interesting subject matter.

Now, I don’t know if the Japanese are as pun-tastic with their porn film titles as we are. Assuming they just go for the more literal naming schemes then this one could have been called “Webcan footage of Japanese schoolgirls trying to **** in squat toilets, missing and smearing it into the trough with paper towels“.

From the country that brought you the PS3, Tamagotchi and Subaru Imprezas. Niiiice.

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Jade Goody may die!

Race Weep

I only just found out who the **** she is and I couldn’t really care much less aside from the following news story allows me to make a really tasteless post:

TV star Jade Goody, who has been diagnosed with cervical cancer, has said she fears she may not live to see her two young sons grow up. [BBC News]

I’ve seen the pictures and it’s awful. Not her scans. Her face. And someone ****** that? Twice?

Ew.

Hey, won’t you lot be glad when I get the **** away from Kota Kinabalu to somewhere I don’t have as much free time and internet access?

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Pornshoot

Official logo of the 2008 Summer Olympic GamesImage via Wikipedia

I did a pornshoot today. By which I mean I downloaded a load of porn and shot my wad looking at it. If that’s not a pornshoot I don’t know what is.

Again, sorry for not posting a lot recently. Excessive travelling, hectic schedules and being a lazy **** all factor into the equation. I’ve also got a teeny hangover from a cold I had around a week ago. To whit: one nostril which keeps dribbling. I swear I’ve swallowed half my bodyweight in bogies in the last week.

Yeah, I know. I should be blowing it into a bag and sending it to Ethiopia.

Hey, and how come if you blow into a hanky and put it back into your pocket the Chinese look at you in disgust? These ******* hack their guts up for minutes at a time and blow phlegm out into pots in the street. Well, not in Beijing any more. The government took all the pots away and started trying to fine random gobbers in an attempt to clean the place up before the Olympics.

Result? A few bob in the coffers and a shoe/snot problem every bit as bad as the shoe/chewing gum problem in the UK.

Mind, this is the same government that decided to try and reduce air pollution by banning huge amounts of traffic from the city ahead of the games. Nice idea, but banning it 2 weeks ahead of time is like trying to clear up Chernobyl with a vaginal sponge.

This is what you get for insisting on a random post when I’ve not had a chance to check the news recently. At least I’ve left Bangkok so I can’t run up to Bush and kick him in the head. Bastard.

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Selfish footballers

Nostrils by David Shankbone

We all know how tasty and satisfying a good sniff is. Or a lovely delve into the nostrils to howk out a sizeable bogey to chow down on as an aperitif. So it really annoys me that with all the starving in the world, the likes of Ronaldo (both of them), Rooney, Beckham – hell, even our own dear Shearer – can be guilty of a horrendous waste of snot.

Many is the time I’ve seen a professional football player snorting a nostril or two full of sticky nose-juice onto the ground during a game. I know they’re rich and I know they drive stupid cars and wear suits that cost more than I earned in a year. I know they can wipe their arses with gold credit cards and use a fresh condom every time they have sex. But to be seen on TV throwing good food on the ground when there are millions starving in the Third World is nothing short of a disgrace.

A campaign should be started to force them to blow it out into a bag. After the game, it could be shipped to a needy child in Ethiopia or the Sudan who can’t generate enough bogies of their own for a good snort. Think of the children! Please, will someone think of the children? And the bogies.

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