Category: Uncategorised

I bought some sweets at the weekend called “Toxic Waste”. I guess this should have been a warning. I like sour stuff and these things are great. They come in a little yellow drum/barrel that makes a great pen-holder when you’ve eaten them.

They’re bloody strong. I mean really sour. This morning, I had layers of skin sloughing off my tongue, and last night if I sucked the roof of my mouth, I was spitting blood. How cool is that?

I was staying with Tim and Tracy (friends of Lou) at the weekend and Tim took a shine to them so I bought him a tub. He ate the whole lot while we were watching telly that night. Big mistake. He was in agony and could barely speak the next morning.

I think I need to buy some more before they’re made illegal. They’d be great for dropping into those little bowls of sweets you get at hotel receptions and stuff.

Hehehehe…

“I can’t come into work. I’m sick”

“How sick are you?”

“I just ****** my 5 year-old sister.”

“That’s pretty sick.”

Office fun

Ring your desk phone and record the ringing. Set this as the ringtone on your mobile, and make sure it never goes to voicemail.

Leave your mobile on your desk and ring it from somewhere else. Watch your colleagues going mad trying the “pick up other call” option on their phones.

Did you know if you’re writing a shopping list and you write “loo roll” and your pen’s not working so you scribble up and down on the first “l” until it works only you end up with it being a bit wonky and looped it looks like “poo roll” which is rather apt?

Yeah. One of those days.

A thrill a minute

Today I have mostly been copying files from one server to another over a ropey connection. Who needs TV when you have the “little blue bar”? GASP as it moves one more pixel to the right after 5 minutes, HOLD YOUR BREATH as it seems to have stopped, GROAN as the connection drops and you’re back to square one.

It’s almost, but not quite, on a par with watching your washing go round in the machine. It just lacks that “is it just the light, or have I put a red sock in with the white wash?” thrill.

Urk

It really makes you realise why we’re all obese when you start looking into things. I spend about 30 mins on an exercise bike over lunch. I have just noticed that the calories I burn off are about the same as those in the 200g low-fat yoghurt I just ate. To burn off all the crap I eat, I’d need to stay in the gym from 8:00 to 4:30, and go to work over lunchtime.

What a ******* surprise

After finally getting the PO to promise to redeliver that package today… no post. At all. Sarah sat in until midday, went out to the shops, came back and nothing.

As I need the contents of the package before next Tuesday at the absolute latest, and I’m away for the weekend, this basically means I have to get up at 6:45 tomorrow to drive into the middle of Bradford and shout at some useless **** until they cry.

I’d write a letter of complaint, but I’d probably get the same form letter back that I received last time. Assuming my complaint letter actually gets delivered.

The ******* useless ******* *******. I really can’t get over in words how PISSED OFF I am right now.

If I turn green and start shouting *HULK SMASH*, please don’t get in my way and start ******* off about copyright infringement. I’ll rip you limb from limb and feed you to the nearest postman.

An 11 year old has been banned from driving for a year… despite not legally being allowed to drive anyway. I mean, that’s like banning a 5 year-old from brothels for a year. Or saying that George W Bush isn’t allowed to sit MENSA exams. It’s more pointless than a box of snapped pencils.

To make it worse, the court “imposed three penalty points for driving without a licence and six penalty points for driving without insurance”. Now, this is a little paradoxical. He’s been given penalty points for not having a license. These penalty points go onto his license. Which he doesn’t have. Which is why he’s getting points on it. More paradoxes than 10 series of Dr Who.

Can’t we just break his legs so he can’t reach the pedals?