Category: Uncategorised

Here’s a new one – if you ring a mobile phone in Thailand you don’t hear *bring bring*. No. You hear twiddly Thai music until the recipient picks up. How weird is that? I assume the idea is to take your mind of how ******* expensive the call is.

Mind, it doesn’t work. At the risk of sounding like an advert, check out 18185. Along with several other similar businesses it lets you call mobiles and foreign countries for much cheaper than BT. Thailand (landline or mobile) for 4p connection fee then 1p/min after that. Eep.

All I have to do now is remember the 6-hour time difference (7 hours after our clocks go back) and not wake Louise up when I ring her.

Oops.

Another thing to come out of a lunchtime pub conversation was the use of the phrase "serving suggestion" on packets. Anything from cereals to mixed fruit in syrup has this noted next to the photo on the front.

Come on. Your picture on the front of a Cornflakes box shows a bowl of corn flakes, coated in milk and dusted with sugar. Who on earth is stupid enough to think that if they poured the contents of the box out that sugar and milk would follow? Or opening your shiny packet of Birds Eye Chicken Grills will reveal some chips, lettuce, tomato, beans and a glass of water into the bargain – all on a plate?

I think Ski should start putting pictures on the front of the yoghurt cartons of a naked woman, smeared in yoghurt with "serving suggestion" on the side. If anyone was daft enough to think that they’d pull back the foil to find a naked Kate Winslet inside to smear their fermented cow juice on, they should be locked up.

After all, she’s mine. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Cure for cancer

Well, not quite, but a recent study has given some incredibly hopeful results in the fight against cervical cancer in particular. No joke – plans are to start innoculating young girls as a preventative measure. The trials have had a near-100% success rate which is superb.

Now, it’s a known fact that those who are very sexually active are much more likely to develop cervical cancer and the innoculation needs to be given before the disease develops. It’s a preventative measure, not a cure, after all.

So, the plan is from next year to start injecting girls from 15, “before they become sexually active”. Oh, my. What sheltered lives these researchers lead.

I would suggest as a simple test, if any girl entering the clinic for her jab is wearing the slightest hint of Burberry, or has any Elizabeth Duke jewellery on, I’d reckon it a safe assumption she might well have popped her cherry. Especially if she comes wandering in with young Chesney, Gaylord and Martini in tow.

Scared yet?

George Bush is denying claims that he said the invasion of Iraq (and Afghanistan and everywhere else) is a “mission from God”.

So, who are you going to believe? Several foreign dignitaries who really don’t have anything to lose or gain by saying this? Who in fact stand to benefit from Bush’s actions, in some cases. Or afather-*******, mentally-challenged, inbred, power-hungry, greedy, lying **** flap like Bush?

But was he?

According to the BBC, Michael Jackson was mobbed at a waxworks museum today. Are you sure? I mean, how the **** can you tell the difference between that plastic freak and a waxwork model? OK, the waxwork might sweat a bit more and not suck boys’ dicks.

Buffdi Drinks

A lot of my work colleagues had ****** off to Belgium on a jolly on Friday morning, while we had two live days ongoing. Needless to say, it was a tad busy so I didn’t get my lunch till 11pm (don’t ask). Thankfully, they missed their ferry on the way there and on the way back. Serves them ******* right.

I spent Saturday night in Newcastle drinking heavily for Colin’s birthday. Even though it wasn’t his birthday. And even though I’d eaten **** all for 2 days. Not clever, but I did get wasted.

The Bridge Hotel were giving out nice “Blue Star” badges with each bottle of Brown purchased. Needless to say I ended up with a rather spangly chest from the ones I got! I even remembered to take them off before I put the shirt into the washing machine. And then forgot to put the shirt in the machine before I turned it on. That’ll get washed next week, then.

I’ve also just been reminded by a work colleague that I texted him around 6:30pm on Saturday stating “I’ve just licked a DB9!”. Mmmm… Aston Martin-licious.

All gone

Well, Lou flew off to Thailand at 22:15 last night and I’m currently sat in the office watching the realtime flight arrivals schedule at Bangkok airport to make sure she gets there OK. I am that sad. Actually, I am sad – in the old-fashioned sense of the word. It’ll be April before I see her again and I’m being pathetic and missing her already!

But, hey, at least I get a holiday in Oz and New Zealand out of it. Now, what the hell can I do for the next 6 months or so to while the time away? Claudia Schiffer’s turned me down again for a dinner date. Yeesh. All I did last time was make a few jokes about that ******* mole.

update Text message received. She has landed and is safe. Apparently the in-flight movie was War of the Worlds, so I assume they cut the bit with the crashed plane…

Call them what you will – travellers, gypsies, scum – we’ve had some move in near work. Since Monday, we’ve had one car rear window smashed by a golf club wielded by an 8 year-old, at least one car “keyed”, stones thrown at cars and people in our car park and one case of indecent exposure as one of them ****** off outside his caravan.

Yet still the bleeding-heart liberal lot whinge and moan that we can’t treat these “people” like second class citizens and every town and village should have somewhere available for them to park up and enjoy life.

Why?

Do they pay income tax? No. Do they pay council tax? No. Do they pay for the stuff they shoplift? No. Do they pay for the water they steal when they illegally fit standpipes on private ground? No. Do they pay ground rent, stamp duty, rates, utility bills, damages, compensation, fines or any other charge that is or should be levied their way? Do they ****.

No, all they do is trespass, trash the surrounding area, terrorise people, commit benefit fraud and basically take the ******* piss.

If any soft-touch liberal **** is so concerned about these pieces of ****, then kindly invite them to live in your garden and get them the **** away from my workplace. Let them wipe their arses on your washing, **** through your letterbox, steal your dog, and sell your car as their own. See how you ******* like it.

While we’re at it can we have them reclassified as a new species of slow-breeding rat? The introduction of a by-law allowing us to pen them into their ****-heap caravans and burn the ***** alive won’t go far amiss either.