Category: Uncategorised

Damn, I’m knackered. Hardly slept this week between coursework, rampaging neighbours and excessive masturbation. I really need better hobbies.

Had the guy two doors over yelling his head off outside last night. Now, he’s normally OK. Spoken to him a few times but generally, they’re a quiet household. Him, his other half (who’s well cute) and their ickle baby. Surprised the hell out of me to hear him.

He was kicking and banging at the back door and window (I assume the bedroom – it’s a bungalow) and crying – not angry crying, real bubbling. Ranting about someone being dead on his birthday or something.

Maybe he’s Catholic. Hmm. Hadn’t though of that.

Addictive

They’re far too more-ish. Morrison’s peanuts, raisins and choc chips are like a do-it-yourself Picnic bar. Only more nibbly. And with peanuts. Also cheaper. And far more addictive.

Once you pop, you just can’t stop, Mr Pringles? Nowt compared to these.

Other annoyingly more-ish foodstuffs include:

• Midget Gems
• Satsumas
• Popcorn (salty, of course)

None of these ever fill me up. Actually, that’s a fib – popcorn does eventually
but it takes ages. I could eat Midget Gems till I burst but I’m sure they just
turn into air and escape out of my arse in noxious farty clouds. Anyone who’s
sat next to me the day after I’ve polished a bag off will know this.

Any more?

Month names

I noticed something today. Don’t ask me how. I just kind of did. Anyway, how come some girls are names after months but boys aren’t? April/Avril, June, May… I’ve even heard of one July.

OK, OK, so there’s Augustus but anyone who calls their kid that is asking to be shot by a psychopathic example of bully-fodder by the time the poor ******’s 16. After all, who’d want to be named “Tunnel-Tester Smith” or “Uphill-Gardener Jones”?

It also seems to be the Spring / Summer months that get used. This is a shame. Look at some of the Winter ones. They’re well ‘ard. January isn’t bad, but October really rocks.

Actually, thinking about it, it sounds a bit like a bad guy from a Fantastic Four cartoon. Hmmm… Doktor Oktober. Hell, yeah. Right – I want a son.

For Adam

Get a proper browser, you muppet. Then you won’t miss out on the daily updates.
Flipping Firefox. Bloody amateur-hour crap.

Be careful

I cannot emphasise this enough. Always, always check which window you’re typing in when using MSN. This especially important when the conversation is somewhat risqué. Even your best friend may find it a bit hard to take if you type “I need more naked pics of you. Great **** material” and send it to them by mistake.

******* OOPS.

Sorry, Mike. I hope I’ve not scarred you for life.

Ringtones

I’d like to rename these "wringtones" because I want to wring the neck of most people with a "humorous" ringtone. Especially with the newer phones where you can pretty much have anything.

One person in the office has someone whistling as their ringtone. It drives me up the wall. It’s almost as annoying a sound as someone sitting in the passenger seat of your car, popping chewing gum every 17.6 seconds (not that I’m getting at anyone in particular with that comparison).

A mate of mine has (or had – threats may have changed this) a recording of his voice saying "text message" when an SMS came through. This freaked the living hell out of his wife when he left his phone on the armchair and went upstairs.

There are many ringtone experiments that I could perform. They include the following:

How small does a mobile have to be before I can shove it up the owner’s arse without any lubricating jelly?

Does the temperature of the fluid I drop it in affect how quickly it dies? Do I have to use a nice hot cup of tea, or can I just piss on it until it stops ringing?

If the phone is "recharged" using a mains socket and two bare wires, how loud will it ring afterwards?

If the owner is "recharged" using a mains socket and two bare wires, will they care if I smash their ******* phone into a million pieces?

Once again I feel the need to approach an educational facility or government agency to see if I can get a grant for my work. Though sadly I fully expect to get knocked back again. How is genius supposed to work without funding? No wonder Doc Oc had to rob a bank. I can fully sympathise, poor chap.

Confession

I’ve had a Double Decker in my desk drawer at work for three days now and I’ve not eaten it. I am aware that some women would regard this as a hanging offense and I’d just like to get my apologies in now before the trial.

Right to reply

I had my meeting with the surgery manager and one of the senior doctors today. In fairness, I have to understand their reasons for the “appointment” mess assuming all their claims are true – and I have no reason to doubt them.

It’s true, they have to hit targets. If someone demands to see a GP on a given day, they have to at the very least speak to one. They’re contractually bound to do that. The problem is that there are far too many “abusers” of the system, especially in inner-city areas such as mine.

As a result you end up with, say, 50 appointments in a day. Of those, you may well find as many as 25 could have just gone to bloody Morrisons and bought some Paracetamol for the cold they’re insisting is plague or something.

It was agreed that the current system discriminates against workers as opposed to non-workers. Sadly, the only way to address this would be to as people “are you employed?” when they called. This is against the rules. The other problem is that of booking appointments too far ahead. When they tried this, they found that the vast majority of these were never attended. The individual involved either forgot, got better, or managed to wheedle into another clinic and didn’t cancel.

My area has more genuinely sick people than the average, by a fair margin. On the other hand, it’s not “overcrowded” in that we have a below average number of patients per doctor than the national. However, the books for my doctor’s are “open” for new patients so they are adding more people. The alternative is a complete closure of the books. There is no middle ground. This makes their life rather difficult in that they can’t, for instance, stop people jumping from doc to doc just to get the pills they want while still allowing a local household who are registered to get their brand new baby on the list. It’s all or nothing – government regulations.

Basically, the conversation was very two-sided. Although they can’t actually solve my problem, they’ve put it in perspective. As a result I can appreciate the position they’re in and the reasons they have for making those decisions. A new doctor has joined in the last few weeks as well, which should help – they lost two recently.

And I got my appointment.

Still on a medical theme

I’ve found this great blog by an emergency medical type person and it makes for entertaining, gruesome and though-provoking reading. Well worth a check. Coincidentally, he’s just about to start on some stories similar to the following one. I wrote this before I found that out.

I don’t have too many medical stories of my own, but this one’s a corker. It’s not a “friend of a friend” story – it happened to a guy I used to know years ago and I heard it first hand. I have no reason to doubt him because, frankly, he was that stupid. I won’t say who, nobody who reads this blog knows him (unless by some freak coincidence) so I don’t fell bad about telling it. Besides, it would be a shame not to share it.

Basically, he had a bit of a problem. A fairly embarassing one. He’d developed a little bit of a fetish and had caused himself a possible problem.

So, a trip to the university health centre was in order. Things got worse when he was informed that the only doctor in attendance was a young lady. He swallowed his pride and went in.

I believe he described his complaint somewhat like this:

“Erm… Well, what it is is that I kind of… erm… *sigh* I lost count. I’m not sure if I…”

pause

“I shoved a load of Monopoly hotels up my arse and I don’t know if I got them all back out or not.”

Not the way to impress a young lady in the medical profession.

This escapade was the last of his bumfoolery I heard of, but I know he also tried saucepan handles, amongst other things. I am so glad I didn’t have to share a house with him.

Anyone who thinks I’m kidding and didn’t actually mail this today obviously doesn’t know me very well…

Dear Mr Bowyer,

I appreciate you will likely have had a lot of mail over the last couple of days relating to the ridiculous and embarassing incident between yourself and Mr Dyer. I would like to add my comments to those expressed by other fans, your employers, team-mates and the media.

We took a roasting by hiring you after those events in Leeds all those years ago. We gave you another chance. In recent weeks you finally seemed to be getting the form back that you’d had with Leeds and I was, until now, one of your greatest supporters. As you said in your hasty post-match statement, you have let us down. What you did was reprehensible, loutish, pathetic, stupid… Far too many words spring to mind.

There are people in our youth and reserve squads fighting to get into the first team. You, however, seem to have an inbuilt urge to fight to get out of one. Your behaviour has dirtied the names of two teams now, and frankly I’d have liked to have seen you walk. Instead, you get hit with a meaningless fine and drop your team right in it with an FA Cup semi-final on the horizon.

You and Mr Dyer are in a win-win situation. There’s no way you’d have been out of work for long had we decided to sack you. If we put you on the transfer list, we pay your wages until someone gets you for a bargain price as they know we want rid. If we sack you, we can’t sell you so someone gets you for nothing. Either way, the club and its fans lose out and you win.

I may not sound it, but I am a forgiving person. The thing is, your “second chance” was when we took you on despite your reputation at Leeds. It even looked like you’d put that terrible past behind you and perhaps our gamble had paid off. Instead, it looks like you really do have a pathetic, violent streak in you that will never be removed. We shouldn’t be letting you away with this, in my opinion, but what option do we – as a club – have from a financial viewpoint?

You earn a ludicrous sum of money – I would estimate twice as much per week as I do in a year. As such, I don’t feel in the remotest bit cheeky in asking that you refund me the cost of my match ticket for the Aston Villa game. I’m a season ticket holder and I doubt I will ever give it up, whatever happens. But I ended up watching an 8-man side and a schoolboy fight instead of the match I had paid for. Add to that the embarassment you have caused me and thousands like me and I think it’s a small price to pay.

My season ticket is £568, so that match cost me £29.90. Peanuts to someone in your position, but hard-earned money to me. I live in Bradford, so it’s half a tank of fuel to travel up and back. It’s not 90 minutes of my Saturday. It’s the entire day. I’ve given up enough to watch you make a fool of me, I think it entirely justified that you make some kind of amends.

Personally, no matter how good a player you can be I’d never want to see you honoured with wearing a black-and-white shirt again. Sadly, in this day and age, money talks in football and I know there’s no escaping us trying to get more out of our investment in you. We took you in, and you’ve shown us up. You have one hell of a debt to pay back. If there is any doubt in your commitment in future matches to your ability or willingness to pay that debt back, I sincerely hope you are out of that door before you get a chance to ask why.

Yours faithfully,

(etc)

Doc manages an appointment… of sorts

I got a letter from the doc’s today. First off, here’s the details:

We are in receipt of your complaint you have made regarding our appointment system. The doctors feel it would be beneficial if we could arrange a meeting to discuss your comments. A meeting has been scheduled for Tuesday 5th April at 5pm. Can you please confirm (etc…)

Well, I suppose it’s a start but I have three concerns:

• How can they make an appointment for a meeting – with all the doctors – yet they can’t make one single appointment with one single doctor to see me for a medical reason?
• My complaint was partially about not being able to get an appointment during working hours – yet the make the meeting for 5pm when most people are finishing work for the day. And therefore difficult to get somewhere for. Although very convenient for people who work at the place where the meeting is who finish at 5:00. Mind, I’ve got one over on them – I finish at 4:30
• I am worried that they’re going to gang up on me and beat me up when I get there for daring to criticise them

Report from the meeting as and when. Assuming I remember to go.

Annoying screechy woman KFC advert pulled

Thanks to both Chris and Andy for pointing me towards this story on Sky and MediaGuardian (no link as they make you subscribe so they can piss off).

Well, one of the those ******* adverts down, a handful more plus the sponsorship stabs around certain advert breaks to go. Oh for the good old days when they just had some fat bloke in a white suit telling you how goos his unhealthy chicken was. Probably while his slaves picked cotton out back and made him lemonade with spit in.