Category: Uncategorised

I’ve wanted a dog for ages as anyone who knows me will be aware. Love the things. But due to working circumstances I just can’t look after one. Unless I got a job where I could take the little fella, or work from home, I just wouldn’t have the time, especially with a pup.

There are alternatives. A cat – got one, and pre-housetrained, so that’s worked out OK. I miss the stupidity of a canine, though. So… I’ve got a dog.

Well, it’s an unusual one. Actually, it’s a virtual one. Alright, if you’re going to get technical then it’s a pretend one. Look, it’s quite simple. I’ve decided he’s a big, stupid alsatian. He’ll always be there when I come home, never poos and is a savage attack dog when I’m threatened. Now, depending on my mood (or drunkenness) he can be quite vicious. Although he’s virtual I’ve got to make him as realistic as possible.

To this end, I’ve had to come up with some substitutes for real life. If he attacks someone, I’ll have to get them to look the other way while I gnaw at them. Unless they’re really dirty in which case I may resort to using a saw blade or something to inflict the wounds instead.

I don’t need to worry about simulating hair-shedding. Between KK and Kim, there’s plenty to account for another household member.

If I happen to be out all day and stay out too long, I’ll just dribble some tap water on the carpet and yell a bit. It’s more hygienic than cleaning up dog pee, but will take just as long to dry.

I think I’ll name him Satan, just so I can go outside at night and yell for him in a really loud voice and worry the neighbours.

Down boy – I’m typing.

Good dog.

When you hear the girl opposite you talking to her friend and say "I know all about double entry" what would you think? Well, we all know that my mind rarely strays too far from the gutter in case it can’t find it again.

She then compounds things by adding "I’m going to get a lot of practise in over the weekend and show them on Monday how it’s done."

A glance up, a quick glimpse of an Accounts for Beginners book and I’m shown up for the dirty perv that we all know I am.

Then she goes and mentions "aerodynamic swingers" (no, I didn’t mis-hear) and I’m all befuddled again.

At last. Confirmed. Kim’s signed the contract and ratboy (complete with scuffy entourage) will be leaving on the 7th of February. Sadly, I’m working that day and can’t get the time off to stand at the door letting off Party Poppers as I’d planned. I dug for ages to find them in the loft as well. Hey ho. I’ll just have to settle for the fact that I’ll no longer be disturbed by some selfish **** and his wretched other half slamming metal gates off my wall, screeching car tyres and having Eastenders-style arguments in the street.

Though truth be told, I’ll miss the last bit.

It also means that Kim’s moving out (like, duh). As it happens, a friend of a friend is popping over at the weekend to check the place out with a view to moving in along with 2 "house rabbits". Given KK’s predeliction for eating anything that even looks like it might move, this could lead to further entertainment. Especially as rabbits can be savage buggers when threatened. Mind you, I’ve bitten KK back once after she went for me and she didn’t learn from that. Rabbits have big, sharp teeth though. Maybe that will help get the message through.

Nothing’s for definite yet, and I think the house needs a bit of a tidy. This means I’m going to be attempting to scrawl off the end of my (overdue) coursework with my feet while I brush the stairs, vacuum, dust, clean the kitchen and berate Kim for leaving the bathroom door open again (KK pee’d in there last night) with my upper limbs and mouth.

Now, where did I put those marigolds?

And the KY?

NO! No time for play. Just the marigolds.

I don’t just mean when you drop them on someone’s head either. I have to thank my housemate Kim for not fainting when I entered her room (fully clothed) earlier. Basically, I was trying to knock one of the plastic bits out of the front of a case (anyone who’s put a 3.5" drive into a new box will know what I mean) when my finger slid down the metal edging as the cover piece popped out.

I’ve not so much cut my finger as gouged a chunk around 3mm deep along the side of it. It took around 10 minutes to stop bleeding and by the time I got up to Kim’s room the blood was almost spilling out of my cupped palm.

Does anyone know how to get blood out of a carpet? You can’t see it too much – the carpet’s blue, not white. Thank **** for small mercies.

I went to the Hayseed Dixie gig (see post immediately below) with a lad I used to work with at Matrix – Mike. He was all after hearing about my new job, so I told him.

"So who are you working for now?"

"A company called Software Solution Partners."

"SSP? Where are they based?”"

"Halifax."

"Dean Clough? My housemate’s worked there for about 6-7 years."

Turns out I even had an email from said housemate forwarded to me by my boss last week.

Small world, indeed.

Incidentally, the company I worked for before the last one supplies hardware to my new employer. One of the customers I was the account manager for in that job is one of the main competitors in this one.