Advice for criminals

Are you a thieving scrote? A rapist? A murderer? Or just some dozy **** who broke one of the handful of laws in the UK that’ll get you into an actual jail these days? Well, in case you need some cash for fags so you can stop the Ugh Brothers ripping your tender arse-parts in two, how’s this for an idea:

Sue someone on the outside using public funds for something utterly mad. Let’s say… clearing out a flat you “vacated” eight months previous as you were thrown into chokey and didn’t bother to tell them. Despite the fact they are paying to keep your stuff in storage.

Which I know sounds bizarre, but that’s what repeat rapist Thomas Cope has just done to Melody Goymer, a hairdresser. Remember, this is the UK and your legal rights as a law-abiding citizen mean **** all. What’s his argument? The fact that under the current government he’ll be allowed out a week on Tuesday having served 1/16th of his sentence so he’ll need the rotten veg in his fridge?

He’s “won” £750. It’s looking to cost Ms Goymer around £20,000 in legal costs. And as I said, she’s paying £60 per week to store his belongings – she hadn’t even disposed of them. At first you wonder how this can happen… then you realise that it’s simply another example of the ******-up legal system in the UK. I think what’s worse than the fact that it happened is that it’s just not a surprise.

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Travel query

Squat toilet as seen in some parts of Europe a...

In many Asian countries, the tradition is to eat with your right hand as the left is used to wipe your arse when you’re finished having a ****. Each to their own.

But having used more than my fair share of loo-paper-free toilets, I have one query resulting from this:

If you use your left to wipe, why to they always have the sink/tap/water bowl/hose on the right so you can’t wash your left hand under it?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a decent wodge of poop to extract from under my right index nail. Anyone have a toothpick?

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Ben There, Dan That!

Ben There, Dan That!

Strange title, but it’s about a strange game. I found it via a link from some random blog I get RSS feed from and – if you have a PC – it’s a very worthwhile download.

Ben There, Dan That! is from Zombie Cow Studios, which seems to be a two-man band. Sadly, the days where people like the Darling Brothers (Codemasters) did this and became millionaires are long gone, which is a pity as I had a great time playing this game and the guys who worked on it deserve some kind of reward. And incentive to do more.

It’s an old-fashioned, point/click/examine/talk to/combine objects adventure. The graphics are rough and cartoonish and just work in a quirky way. Best feature by far is the dialogue. When you play, examine everything. Try to use everything. Talk to everyone. Go through every line. I honestly laughed out loud on several occasions. If you enjoyed the likes of Sam & Max, Day of the Tentacle, or if the name Guybrush Threepwood means anything to you – get this game.

I certainly wouldn’t say it’s very hard – I finished it in a few sessions with no help – but it’s hugely entertaining and will work on even the lowest-spec PC. Ideal for my crumbly laptop. Also, there’s no real “installation” as such. It just kind of sits there. And – best of all – there’s no fee. It’s free.

However, if you do enjoy it, please consider dropping Ben a quid or so. I think they’ve made about £150 from the game so far, which is nice. But they’ve had 3500 downloads. At a quid a pop it’s nothing from each game player, but a real incentive for more great stuff from the Zombie Cow crew!

Ben, thanks for your time and that of everyone else. Best of luck with whatever’s coming next.

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