Mosher'sUnimaginativelyEntitledBlog

Woken by the sound of pussy

Twice this week. 6am on Wednesday, Ed went mental, jumping on me and nipping my nose and fingertips. Being 6am, I just rolled over and ignored him.

Then I heard the scratching from the bathroom. Arse.

The poor sod had done a big, dribbly poop on the rubber mat in the bath (very easy to clean up – smart lad) and was stood beside it, scratching at the bath then looking forlornly at his still unburied liquishit. The poor little bugger just seemed utterly mystified as to how it wasn’t covered in a layer of dirt despite him scratching away next to it.

Thursday he did a lovely bright yellow one (more solid) outside as I was leaving for work. That got buried properly. My concern that he might have had an upset stomach or worms was settled a little by this sight.

This morning it was 5am. I could hear a lot of rattling and clanking. I made my way downstairs, ready to beat **** out of a burglar (or run screaming into my bedroom and lock the door, begging for my life – whichever) and it turned out to be Ed. Although he obviously couldn’t undo the key-locked latch on the window, he’d undone the “lever” bit at the bottom and was trying to get the window open.

Given that KK actually slept on my bed the other night for the first time in months, do you think they know I’m going away soon?

One way to keep the away supporters quiet

It seems there was a bit of an emergency at a footie ground last night, as Middlebrough played away against Stuttgart. Before the match, there was an evacuation which wasn’t exactly carried out very well. The warnings only given in German and no move made to get the Smoggies to leave.

This is one of the stadia to be used for the World Cup this summer.

As it happens, it was a leaky pipe in the kitchen area that caused the alert. Mind you, it’s not the first time the Germans have had a load of people in an enclosed area filled with gas. After generations of living by the ICI plant on Teeside, though, the Smoggies won’t have had a problem with that.

I’m not a big one for the Olympics, winter or otherwise, but I admit to getting a little caught up on the way home from work. It was the final of the women’s “Skeleton” (basically sliding fast as **** down a windy ice tunnel, flat on your back and feet first so you can’t see what you’re about to cripple yourself on) and a Brit had done a great second run. With each successive competitor, she moved from top four… to Bronze… to Silver… and stayed there.

A girl from Wiltshire, where it snows for about 3 days a year, was beaten only by a native of Switzerland which is 75% mountains and frozen water. OK, my statistics may be off slightly, but you get my point. Shelley Rudman only made it to the Olympics because of fundraising by her local pub.

Well bloody done!

Also on the subject of the Olympics, has anyone noticed how impressive the coverage of some of the events is? The time lapse on the snowboarding and the superimpositon of various runs on the downhill skiing are exceptional. Mind, Colin McRae Rally on the PC beat the Beeb with the “ghost car” idea they’ve based the latter on.

Finally, the government’s seen sense about something and initiated a smoking ban in all indoor public places in England. The Welsh are set to follow as soon as they’re allowed to. Scotland and Northern Ireland beat us to it… as did the French. Yeesh.

As for all the bleeding-heart smokers, FOREST members and other tossbags insistent that this is an invasion of our civil liberties I would like to offer a resounding “**** off”. All of my life I’ve had other people’s filth forced on me if I wanted to go somewhere they were allowed to smoke. Why the **** should I be the one to miss out on the pub because I don’t want to stink of smoke just so the ones with the bad habit can spread their disease?

**** you. **** all of you. You’re ****, you’ve lost, the world has finally woken up to what a danger you are. Now piss off and devote yourself to something useful like giving the **** up.

(for those very few “considerate” smokers, I don’t hold as much venom – but, please, do yourselves a favour and stop!)

I have a genuine question for any Scousers. I promise I’m not having a go.

On April 15th this year, Liverpool are down to play an away game at Blackburn in the Premiership. This is the 17th anniversary of the Hillsborough Disaster, where 96 Liverpool fans died during an FA Cup semi-final against Nottingham Forest at the Sheffield ground. It is also the first time in those 17 years that Liverpool have been involved in a football game.

Now, some fans are complaining, insisting that the fixture be moved (Easter Friday is a popular alternative) as the date should remain special. Usually, a service is held at Anfield at 15:06 – the time the referee blew his whistle to end the match due to the obvious chaos in the crowd. The first team squad always attend to pay their respects. Obviously, unless this fixture is changed, then this can’t happen.

My sympathies are in no question to the fans and I can understand why they don’t want a disruption.

But.

Let’s play devil’s advocate, as I often do. What is so “special” about that particular event that the date should remain “football-free” for Liverpool for evermore?

They’ve played football on May 29th in seasons since 1985, I’m sure – that’s the date of the Heysel Stadium disaster where 39 people died. I don’t think many (if any) Liverpool fans were among the dead but certainly Juventus haven’t made a similar fuss since.

56 people died in Bradford on 11 May 1985 in a flash fire which sprang up during a game against Lincoln City. Again, I’m not aware of Bradford City avoiding matches on this date.

Manchester United have played on the anniversary of the Munich plane crash where their team was decimated on 6 February 1958.

So, again. Why the uproar around this one particular incident? Were it unique, then I would understand. Hell, even though it’s not unique, I understand. But given that other events haven’t spurred similar reactions, I only ask… why?

Well, the countdown’s really begun. I’ve started a new “sideline” blog up at moshtour.me.uk and in less than 28 days I will be in London, and not coming back. In less than fourteen, I will have moved all my possessions and furniture out and will be dossing with friends for a couple of weeks.

It is now most definitely reaching almost “scary” proportions as I frantically look around and wonder if I’ve missed anything.

Then I realise I have, but that’s on the other blog (along with pictures of the t-shirts!) Go, now!

One thing I was hoping to do was to leave my house “useable” on first arrival by whoever buys it. You know, some water or drinks chilling in the fridge, loo roll on the spindle, cleaning products available in case it’s got dusty… the little things that’d make life that bit easier when they first move in.

However, I’m down to my last loo roll. I put it on the other night and I really don’t want to go buying another 4- or 8-pack or whatever for the sake of a couple more poops.

Then I realised how long the last one had lasted for. And then I realised that there hasn’t been a woman in the house for ages (no housemates or anything). Then it hit home how much bog roll the fairer sex go through.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t use a single sheet, wipe, fold, wipe, fold and so on until there’s not a square millimetre untainted by faecal matter before reaching for another. I’m not quite that stingy. But I can make a standard Morrisons Bettabuy cheap’n’nasty 2-ply roll last me a month quite easily. I was going through 2-3 rolls a week with a woman in the house.

What the hell do you lot do with it all? Wrap it round your hand like a big boxing glove before fisting yourselves to make sure you’ve got every bit? Or do you just like playing Egyptian Mummy in the bathroom when the door’s locked? Perhaps I’ve not noticed that my ex-housemates have actually had really, really small boobs and have been padding their bras?

Either way, I think I’m safe with the last roll I have. There should even be about half of it left to leave for whoever buys the house.

They may need to dust it before first use, though.