Tag: Louise

Oh, fan-bloody-tastic

That was sarcasm. I’ve just heard from a very good friend’s wife that he’s spending his birthday in hospital with a fair number of smashed bones. He was crossing a road when some moron decided they were in too great a hurry to be bothered stopping and ran straight over him.

Get well soon, Indy.

In addition, she mentioned she’d seen Louise recently. In Auckland. For those who know the whole messy story, you’ll understand that this hasn’t gone down very well with me and has re-opened a lot of mental scarring that I was hoping was healing completely.

****.

A request to anyone out there. Please, just don’t mention her to me again. The only way I’ll ever get over her is if I just completely wipe her out. Never going to happen, but I really just can’t handle hearing about her even though I do want to.

I know that’s another hard thing for some people in particular to read/hear and I’m sorry. I just can’t help how I feel, though obviously I wish I could. This hot on the heels (ish) of this recent post as well.

I’m also now certain that I won’t be visiting Auckland even though I’m in Oz shortly. New Zealand‘s already pretty much closed to me as there are too many memories I just don’t want to face.  But to have the risk of literally coming face to face with the person who’s caused me this damage… It’s not worth it.

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Bad time to be me

I’ve been feeling al ittle down the last couple of days and couldn’t quite figure out why. Something was niggling, I just couldn’t get any enthusiasm for anything, I’ve been snappy, I’ve hardly eaten anything…

Then something clicked. I checked through my blog and came across this post.

Yup, almost three years to the day that I started going out with Louise. And even on a subconscious level the whole thing is still ******* with my head. I know I don’t post about her any more, I know I try not to talk about her any more – in fact, I know my posts on here have become less personal in the last year-and-a-half since everything fell apart.

Thing is, I’m still trying to put it all behind me and it does still interfere with my life, much as I don’t want it to. I don’t post anything about relationships on this or my other blogs any more because I’m just scared it’ll just blow up in my face again.

I’m scared to be happy with anyone. Basically. Or at least I’m scared to let anyone else know about it in case I end up with emotional egg in my face again.

Thing is, if an anniversary of something I don’t even recall the exact date of can cause me to become depressed without me even realising why, what hope do I have? I know some people who will find this blog post hard to take and to them I apologise. I never try to pretend – I know I still have issues and I’m doing my best to get over them – but I was completely devastated by what happened and it’s taking me longer than I ever thought it would to get over stuff.

It’s a hard position for me to be in. I like being in a relationship – in fact I need to be so that I can do what I really want in life which is to have a family. However, my head is obviously still buggered up. I do think my heart is as well. Frankly, it’s frustrating more than anything else. Right now I need a good bunch of mates around me – and I mean right here around me – just to keep me busy doing stuff to take my mind off things.

I do apologise for this post as I know the more recent ones have been quite up-beat, but I’m always honest and open on this blog. Go back a couple of years to when I was having horrible problems at home, and the ones throughout my breakup with Lou for proof of that.

And don’t worry. I won’t do owt stupid. Never have (apart from those two “punching hand through window” incidents and I nailed it with the second one so I only broke the glass and not myself that time), never will. Just bear with me if I sound like a miserable sod on MSN or anything.

Thanks.

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