Author: Mosh

First off, I’m fairly sure everyone knows what I like to listen to. That is, pretty much anything but I prefer the heavier stuff. As I type this, I’ve got a free DVD from Metal Hammer playing and Deicide‘s When Heaven Burns annoying the neighbours.

Eyes left and down (or up) a bit will show you what I have in the car CD player and nearby is my most recent MP3 list from WinAmp (permanently on random). I’ve just ordered the last Exodus album, and the most recent Soilwork one (from the US – still cheaper than the UK even with airmail). I’m in a heavy mood.

So I was giving this lad a lift to site during the week – Shane. Really nice bloke, actually. We had a good natter on the way there and stuff. On the way back, though, he finally twigged what was on the stereo.

“Are you listening to Slipknot? How can you listen to that? It’s all noise! I mean, I’d not even class the instruments they use as musical! I prefer dance stuff myself.”

Instruments. Not musical. Prefer dance.

Can anyone spot the seriously ******* deep flaw in his criticism?

As recompense for the following…

Another charity call, folks. Ray McDermott is a Toon fan who’s not going to be watching the semi-final next weekend. Instead, he’ll be running the London Marathon in aid of the Royal British Legion.

Chuck a few bob his way if you can afford it. Thanks.

All this religion stuff

5-Live had a great discussion this morning. They actually found the one person in Britain brave enough to come on and bad-mouth the Pope and all he stands for. In the interests of fair play and balance, a staunch Catholic was put up against him. This is fair – you should always hear both sides of an argument.

The texts and emails that followed were unreal. This guy was slaughtered for having his own opinion. Most of them stated that he shouldn’t be allowed on the radio, and his opinions shouldn’t be public. Now, hang on, but if we went that way just to keep the Catholics happy wouldn’t be be just as bad as China or countries under Taliban rule?

For crying out loud, we’re a country that has more freedom of speech than the US now enjoys – and they still claim to be the “land of the free”. Now, I have nothing against Catholics in the slightest. I just have something against people who have this weird idea that we should all be free to express ourselves as we wish, as long as our opinions coincide with theirs. One of the comments was hilarious – “I don’t see how we should have a non-Catholic desseminating our doctrine”. Who better? When an enquiry is launched, you don’t get someone involved in it to go through the paperwork, do you? You get an independent arbitrator who’s as uninvolved as possible.

The bible, apparently, tells us we all have free will to go and do as we please. Several branches of christianity teach this, yet they all seem to get miffed if you go ahead and do it. Now wait – I’m being told by the stated “rules” that I’m supposed to stick by these guidelines, but it’s up to me should I choose to ignore them. OK, that’s fine. But why then get so pissed off with me if I decide to do just that?

I also believe that the meek shall inherit the earth. Which doesn’t explain why the pope lived in a palatial residence and was waited on hand and food. OK, so he’s not had a shag – ever – but that’s his choice. And what about following the will of the big guy upstairs? Religious Dude seemed to be doing his best to not become Dead Religious Dude for quite some time. In fact, he had three doctors attending to him at once. Surely, the truly christian thing would be to recognise that his time had come and to send them away to tend to someone who had a chance to pull through?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he was a nice guy, but I’d not put him on the same plinth as Mother Theresa. She really did sacrifice everything for people less well off than her. No bullet-proof cars, first-class flights, crowds of followers and gold trinkets. There was a person we can all look up to and say “I wish I could set such a fantastic example to my kids”.

As for the funeral and stuff, I mean come on. It’s not exactly the best way to spend a few days, is it? What’s wrong with going to the zoo, or catching a film? Nah, several million people want to gawp at a well-dressed corpse. Look, if you want to see well-dressed corpses, head over to New York and wander round for a bit. You’re bound to find a few kicking about in the alleys.

As an aside, I notice all European matches this week have started with a 1-minute silence and players wearing black armbands for the Dead Religious Dude. This is a UEFA decision, though I don’t know the fine if a team refused. It’s a moot point, but I’m just wondering exactly how quiet the crowd at Ibrox would be…

While I’m on a religious rant, if the big JC was so bloody clever he could turn water into wine, why couldn’t ge turn oak into balsa? That’d have made it a bit difficult for them to get the nails to stick in and they might have had to let him go.

Weekend happenings

They’re doing a draw at work, and someone asked if I had any idea what horse was going to win on Saturday. “That one with the big teeth, who’s marrying the jug-eared ****” was my reply.

My final degree grade

Well, I’ve found the document that’s used to work out the grades and – assuming I pass the two courses I’m doing this year – I now know what I’ll get at the end.

Third Class.

I cannot affect this. It’s what I’ll get regardless of whether I pass the two remaining courses with flying colours, or by the skin of my teeth. As if I needed any more excuse to take my foot off the gas!

Damn, I’m knackered. Hardly slept this week between coursework, rampaging neighbours and excessive masturbation. I really need better hobbies.

Had the guy two doors over yelling his head off outside last night. Now, he’s normally OK. Spoken to him a few times but generally, they’re a quiet household. Him, his other half (who’s well cute) and their ickle baby. Surprised the hell out of me to hear him.

He was kicking and banging at the back door and window (I assume the bedroom – it’s a bungalow) and crying – not angry crying, real bubbling. Ranting about someone being dead on his birthday or something.

Maybe he’s Catholic. Hmm. Hadn’t though of that.

Addictive

They’re far too more-ish. Morrison’s peanuts, raisins and choc chips are like a do-it-yourself Picnic bar. Only more nibbly. And with peanuts. Also cheaper. And far more addictive.

Once you pop, you just can’t stop, Mr Pringles? Nowt compared to these.

Other annoyingly more-ish foodstuffs include:

• Midget Gems
• Satsumas
• Popcorn (salty, of course)

None of these ever fill me up. Actually, that’s a fib – popcorn does eventually
but it takes ages. I could eat Midget Gems till I burst but I’m sure they just
turn into air and escape out of my arse in noxious farty clouds. Anyone who’s
sat next to me the day after I’ve polished a bag off will know this.

Any more?

Month names

I noticed something today. Don’t ask me how. I just kind of did. Anyway, how come some girls are names after months but boys aren’t? April/Avril, June, May… I’ve even heard of one July.

OK, OK, so there’s Augustus but anyone who calls their kid that is asking to be shot by a psychopathic example of bully-fodder by the time the poor ******’s 16. After all, who’d want to be named “Tunnel-Tester Smith” or “Uphill-Gardener Jones”?

It also seems to be the Spring / Summer months that get used. This is a shame. Look at some of the Winter ones. They’re well ‘ard. January isn’t bad, but October really rocks.

Actually, thinking about it, it sounds a bit like a bad guy from a Fantastic Four cartoon. Hmmm… Doktor Oktober. Hell, yeah. Right – I want a son.

For Adam

Get a proper browser, you muppet. Then you won’t miss out on the daily updates.
Flipping Firefox. Bloody amateur-hour crap.

Be careful

I cannot emphasise this enough. Always, always check which window you’re typing in when using MSN. This especially important when the conversation is somewhat risqué. Even your best friend may find it a bit hard to take if you type “I need more naked pics of you. Great **** material” and send it to them by mistake.

******* OOPS.

Sorry, Mike. I hope I’ve not scarred you for life.

Ringtones

I’d like to rename these "wringtones" because I want to wring the neck of most people with a "humorous" ringtone. Especially with the newer phones where you can pretty much have anything.

One person in the office has someone whistling as their ringtone. It drives me up the wall. It’s almost as annoying a sound as someone sitting in the passenger seat of your car, popping chewing gum every 17.6 seconds (not that I’m getting at anyone in particular with that comparison).

A mate of mine has (or had – threats may have changed this) a recording of his voice saying "text message" when an SMS came through. This freaked the living hell out of his wife when he left his phone on the armchair and went upstairs.

There are many ringtone experiments that I could perform. They include the following:

How small does a mobile have to be before I can shove it up the owner’s arse without any lubricating jelly?

Does the temperature of the fluid I drop it in affect how quickly it dies? Do I have to use a nice hot cup of tea, or can I just piss on it until it stops ringing?

If the phone is "recharged" using a mains socket and two bare wires, how loud will it ring afterwards?

If the owner is "recharged" using a mains socket and two bare wires, will they care if I smash their ******* phone into a million pieces?

Once again I feel the need to approach an educational facility or government agency to see if I can get a grant for my work. Though sadly I fully expect to get knocked back again. How is genius supposed to work without funding? No wonder Doc Oc had to rob a bank. I can fully sympathise, poor chap.

Confession

I’ve had a Double Decker in my desk drawer at work for three days now and I’ve not eaten it. I am aware that some women would regard this as a hanging offense and I’d just like to get my apologies in now before the trial.

Right to reply

I had my meeting with the surgery manager and one of the senior doctors today. In fairness, I have to understand their reasons for the “appointment” mess assuming all their claims are true – and I have no reason to doubt them.

It’s true, they have to hit targets. If someone demands to see a GP on a given day, they have to at the very least speak to one. They’re contractually bound to do that. The problem is that there are far too many “abusers” of the system, especially in inner-city areas such as mine.

As a result you end up with, say, 50 appointments in a day. Of those, you may well find as many as 25 could have just gone to bloody Morrisons and bought some Paracetamol for the cold they’re insisting is plague or something.

It was agreed that the current system discriminates against workers as opposed to non-workers. Sadly, the only way to address this would be to as people “are you employed?” when they called. This is against the rules. The other problem is that of booking appointments too far ahead. When they tried this, they found that the vast majority of these were never attended. The individual involved either forgot, got better, or managed to wheedle into another clinic and didn’t cancel.

My area has more genuinely sick people than the average, by a fair margin. On the other hand, it’s not “overcrowded” in that we have a below average number of patients per doctor than the national. However, the books for my doctor’s are “open” for new patients so they are adding more people. The alternative is a complete closure of the books. There is no middle ground. This makes their life rather difficult in that they can’t, for instance, stop people jumping from doc to doc just to get the pills they want while still allowing a local household who are registered to get their brand new baby on the list. It’s all or nothing – government regulations.

Basically, the conversation was very two-sided. Although they can’t actually solve my problem, they’ve put it in perspective. As a result I can appreciate the position they’re in and the reasons they have for making those decisions. A new doctor has joined in the last few weeks as well, which should help – they lost two recently.

And I got my appointment.

Still on a medical theme

I’ve found this great blog by an emergency medical type person and it makes for entertaining, gruesome and though-provoking reading. Well worth a check. Coincidentally, he’s just about to start on some stories similar to the following one. I wrote this before I found that out.

I don’t have too many medical stories of my own, but this one’s a corker. It’s not a “friend of a friend” story – it happened to a guy I used to know years ago and I heard it first hand. I have no reason to doubt him because, frankly, he was that stupid. I won’t say who, nobody who reads this blog knows him (unless by some freak coincidence) so I don’t fell bad about telling it. Besides, it would be a shame not to share it.

Basically, he had a bit of a problem. A fairly embarassing one. He’d developed a little bit of a fetish and had caused himself a possible problem.

So, a trip to the university health centre was in order. Things got worse when he was informed that the only doctor in attendance was a young lady. He swallowed his pride and went in.

I believe he described his complaint somewhat like this:

“Erm… Well, what it is is that I kind of… erm… *sigh* I lost count. I’m not sure if I…”

pause

“I shoved a load of Monopoly hotels up my arse and I don’t know if I got them all back out or not.”

Not the way to impress a young lady in the medical profession.

This escapade was the last of his bumfoolery I heard of, but I know he also tried saucepan handles, amongst other things. I am so glad I didn’t have to share a house with him.