Open letter to Lee Bowyer

Anyone who thinks I’m kidding and didn’t actually mail this today obviously doesn’t know me very well…

Dear Mr Bowyer,

I appreciate you will likely have had a lot of mail over the last couple of days relating to the ridiculous and embarassing incident between yourself and Mr Dyer. I would like to add my comments to those expressed by other fans, your employers, team-mates and the media.

We took a roasting by hiring you after those events in Leeds all those years ago. We gave you another chance. In recent weeks you finally seemed to be getting the form back that you’d had with Leeds and I was, until now, one of your greatest supporters. As you said in your hasty post-match statement, you have let us down. What you did was reprehensible, loutish, pathetic, stupid… Far too many words spring to mind.

There are people in our youth and reserve squads fighting to get into the first team. You, however, seem to have an inbuilt urge to fight to get out of one. Your behaviour has dirtied the names of two teams now, and frankly I’d have liked to have seen you walk. Instead, you get hit with a meaningless fine and drop your team right in it with an FA Cup semi-final on the horizon.

You and Mr Dyer are in a win-win situation. There’s no way you’d have been out of work for long had we decided to sack you. If we put you on the transfer list, we pay your wages until someone gets you for a bargain price as they know we want rid. If we sack you, we can’t sell you so someone gets you for nothing. Either way, the club and its fans lose out and you win.

I may not sound it, but I am a forgiving person. The thing is, your “second chance” was when we took you on despite your reputation at Leeds. It even looked like you’d put that terrible past behind you and perhaps our gamble had paid off. Instead, it looks like you really do have a pathetic, violent streak in you that will never be removed. We shouldn’t be letting you away with this, in my opinion, but what option do we – as a club – have from a financial viewpoint?

You earn a ludicrous sum of money – I would estimate twice as much per week as I do in a year. As such, I don’t feel in the remotest bit cheeky in asking that you refund me the cost of my match ticket for the Aston Villa game. I’m a season ticket holder and I doubt I will ever give it up, whatever happens. But I ended up watching an 8-man side and a schoolboy fight instead of the match I had paid for. Add to that the embarassment you have caused me and thousands like me and I think it’s a small price to pay.

My season ticket is £568, so that match cost me £29.90. Peanuts to someone in your position, but hard-earned money to me. I live in Bradford, so it’s half a tank of fuel to travel up and back. It’s not 90 minutes of my Saturday. It’s the entire day. I’ve given up enough to watch you make a fool of me, I think it entirely justified that you make some kind of amends.

Personally, no matter how good a player you can be I’d never want to see you honoured with wearing a black-and-white shirt again. Sadly, in this day and age, money talks in football and I know there’s no escaping us trying to get more out of our investment in you. We took you in, and you’ve shown us up. You have one hell of a debt to pay back. If there is any doubt in your commitment in future matches to your ability or willingness to pay that debt back, I sincerely hope you are out of that door before you get a chance to ask why.

Yours faithfully,

(etc)

Incorrect priorities

To the BBC

Dear Sir,

As a license-fee payer I was incensed by the BBC’s insensitive attitude to a major event yesterday evening. I do understand that schedules can slip for some reason, but given the importance and need for reflection on the events of the day, I can see no acceptable circumstance for the 5 minute delay to the start of Match of the Day.

As someone who attended the game and thus didn’t have the benefit of an instant replay, I was desperate to find out what had happened with Dyer and Bowyer. I was kept on the edge of my seat for five additional stressful minutes as a result of the BBC News running over. Have the BBC no idea of the anxiety and upset this kind of thoughtless messing with the TV listings can cause?

Yours,

Disgusted of Bradford

Cup Semi ticket
Cup Semi ticket

Woop! Woop! Woop!

See picture. ‘Nuff said.

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Another response – and a (kind of) result

Doc manages an appointment… of sorts

I got a letter from the doc’s today. First off, here’s the details:

We are in receipt of your complaint you have made regarding our appointment system. The doctors feel it would be beneficial if we could arrange a meeting to discuss your comments. A meeting has been scheduled for Tuesday 5th April at 5pm. Can you please confirm (etc…)

Well, I suppose it’s a start but I have three concerns:

  • How can they make an appointment for a meeting – with all the doctors – yet they can’t make one single appointment with one single doctor to see me for a medical reason?
  • My complaint was partially about not being able to get an appointment during working hours – yet the make the meeting for 5pm when most people are finishing work for the day. And therefore difficult to get somewhere for. Although very convenient for people who work at the place where the meeting is who finish at 5:00. Mind, I’ve got one over on them – I finish at 4:30
  • I am worried that they’re going to gang up on me and beat me up when I get there for daring to criticise them

Report from the meeting as and when. Assuming I remember to go.

Annoying screechy woman KFC advert pulled

Thanks to both Chris and Andy for pointing me towards this story on Sky and MediaGuardian (no link as they make you subscribe so they can piss off).

Well, one of the those ******* adverts down, a handful more plus the sponsorship stabs around certain advert breaks to go. Oh for the good old days when they just had some fat bloke in a white suit telling you how goos his unhealthy chicken was. Probably while his slaves picked cotton out back and made him lemonade with spit in.

Something serious, something… scary

Evil spyware ********

Part rant, part help. I spent almost four hours last night clearing one virus and countless bits of spyware off two PCs at Caz’s house. I’m not going to have a go at her or her folks, but the setup was sadly typical of so many PCs I encounter – no spyware protection and one PC without a virus scanner or firewall. I can name one Chunky and one father where I’ve spent similar lengths of time on the same problems.

Points to note, people. Although a firewall on your “gateway” PC (the one physically connected to the internet) can protect the network from certain nefarious deeds, the same cannot be said of a virus scanner on that machine. Short of server-based products and the like, a virus scanner on a PC protects that PC and no other. Same for spyware scanners.

However weak your technical skills are, I urge you to read the following. Copy it and send it to all your friends – and include the links if you can. I’ve put them in longhand to ensure they get copied. Ask me if you have any questions.

You can protect your home and personal PC, very well, for free. The only paid-for product I’m using is Norton 2002, and when the license expires on that I’m switching to AVG. The products I would suggest you run are as follows:

One point to note with ZoneAlarm is that it’s no use on a gateway PC unless you buy the “Pro” version. It will block isolate the PC it is on and prevent it sharing its internet connection. Kerio Personal Firewall is slightly more complex, but doesn’t have this limitation. For ease of use, I’d go for ZoneAlarm, though once it’s settled in Kerio is no more difficult to maintain. Indeed, for those with more technical knowledge, it more easily configurable.

I would recommend either of these over the default Windows XP firewall – disable this and install one of them. The Windows XP firewall only prevents traffic coming in. In the event you do get infected, a lot of these programs will try to send information out from your PC and it will neither spot nor prevent this.

If possible, download these applications on another machine that’s already safe. Copy them to the target machine and then install them – this way you’re not exposing an unprotected machine to the internet while you download them. When I first built my current PC, I had XP Home (unpatched) on it and within 30 seconds of going online I’d been hit by a virus. No exaggeration. Half a minute! This could have been prevented with one tiny patch that’s included in XP Service Pack 1. It was actually the firewall I’d installed that alerted me to the fact I had this virus as it attempted to send data out from my PC.

I would recommend installing in the order listed above. Also, when installing, if a product offers you the chance to check for updates – do it. Ensure the product is fully installed (i.e. reboot if necessary, re-check for downloads) before moving on to the next.

SpywareBlaster and Spybot S&D work in tandem. When installing S&D, ensure you click the option to run the “TeaTimer” application. This is a little app that sits in the system tray and monitors changes to your registry. Imagine it like a firewall – it asks you to confirm certain changes and can be an indicator that spyware has sneaked onto your PC.

Once you have SpyBot installed, go to the “Innoculate” page and ensure it’s all enabled. Any time you update SpywareBlaster, it’s worth popping to this page to ensure S&D is updated as well.

Run a full system scan with the antivirus, S&D and AdAware once a week, checking you have the most recent updates before each. I’d recommend against running them all at the exact same time though! If you leave your computer on overnight, you can schedule most virus scanners and S&D to fire off at set times. AdAware will have to be done manually.

While mentioning automation, SpywareBlaster can be made to update automatically but only for the paid version. Up to you whether you think this is worth it.

The final step is to keep Windows updated. I’m assuming you use Windows if you’re concerned about security as apparently Linux machines and Macs are all completely virus free and never suffer adware or malware, ever. Frankly, I think this is crap though I believe they’ll be much less of a target if not utterly safe.

Windows can be set to auto-update (at least, XP can), though it’s still worth checking http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com on a regular basis. Ensure you have everything from the “high priority” section installed ASAP. Optional software is – as it says – optional. Avoid the hardware updates – stick with the drivers from your hardware manufacturer if you’re that concerned about getting your graphics card working speedily etc.

One of the main vulnerabilities in Windows is Internet Explorer. Using these programs, the browser should be pretty much safe. If you’re massively concerned, however, try one of the alternatives such as Firefox. The reason this is safer isn’t because it’s code is less buggy, it’s simply that it’s less popular (though an excellent browser) and therefore less useful as a target. If spyware authors wanted to take advantage of Firefox, Mozilla or any other browser then they could. Personally, I still use IE. It works, I’m used to it, it does what I want. I tried Firefox, Opera and Mozilla and I’ve stuck with what I know.

Again, if you have any suggestions, comments or questions – drop me an email. Spammers, spyware authors, virus writers and so on are about as low a piece of scum you can get as far as computers are related. It’s not too difficult to make their “job” pointless, one PC at a time.

I’ll end on a reminder – don’t install these applications and then think you’re safe. Keep them updated. Manually check for updates at least once a week. The one thing worse than no security is a false sense of security.

Update from SFG:

Trojan Remover (http://www.simplysup.com) Not anti virus but very good at finding and disabling malware. I personally know the guy who wrote it. He does pretty much nothing apart from work on Trojans and how to find & disable them. The database is updated every couple of days. 30 day trial then one time registration required. I have never been without it on any PC it in 4 years.

Hijack This (http://www.merijn.org/index.html) Used this a couple of times in the past to get rid of cool web search and the like. Not a deterrent but a good fix if you’re infected.

World’s scariest text message

“Omg! Tescos are selling ‘stimulators’ in the fem hygiene aisle!”

Anni – I needed to know this why? Now, had you been telling me that they were doing Kate Winslets on 3 for 2, next to the Brut then fine.

Consider changing your mobile provider to someone who only gives you 10 free texts a month. Please. Spare me. I beg you.

Besides, Boots have advertised that they’re doing a full range of adult products now. You’re better off shopping in there. Likely cheaper than Ann Summers as well, I warrant.

En-ger-land

Going to watch the match at home tonight. I was vaguely considering the pub, but I ended up at work an hour later than I was meant to. It’s the usual. All afternoon with not a lot to do and all of a sudden at 16:20… “Can you do this? It has to be done today.”

So, I dutifully spent almost 90 minutes performing this task. I rang the guy up to let him know it was done and he’s gone home. Grr.

This meant by the time I got back, the heavens had opened and KK was all soaked through and cold. Which wouldn’t have happened if I’d left at half four!

Well, dinner’s in the oven and should be ready for the match. I’m having out-of-date Tetleys and a warmed-up Greggs chicken pastie. It’ll be like being on the terraces… almost as cold if my heating doesn’t buck its ideas up.

Ooh, it’s Monday. No it isn’t…

Not a bad long weekend

I got a fair bit done over Easter. Mainly tidying the house out, clearing things away and some chucking out of old kit. Including a massive full tower case housing a Pentium-100 based system with a whopping 2Gb hard drive. Woo.

Mind you, I hoiked the memory out of it and flogged it for a tenner on eBay, so not a complete loss. I somehow doubted anyone would really be after a quad speed CD-ROM even if it was a genuine Creative Labs effort. Having said that, I just found three for sale but (surprise) no bids.

I didn’t however, get the loft ladder installed. Part of the job is to replace the loft door, for which I need a wooden panel. Easter Sunday is the only Sunday in the year that B&Q is shut. The whole holiday is all about a magical carpenter who gets pinned to some 2×4. I mean, if that doesn’t put you in the mood for a bit of woodwork, what will?

Vic Reeves dropped from telly ads

This is about the only funny thing Vic Reeves has ever done. At least, it’s the first thing involving him I’ve ever laughed at.

The unfunny, catch-phrase desperate, lanky streak of piss. Who I’m sure is a nice guy if you meet him, but **** is he a waste of TV airtime.

Return of the Tagnuts

Or The Tagnuts Strike Back. Take your pick. More annoying than Jar-Jar Binks, KK’s arse nuggets returned with a vengeance over the weekend. Worse still, with the damn weather they weren’t all dried up and brushable. Nooooo. Wet, sticky and vile-smelling.

Fortunately this time I spotted them before she’d sat in my lap. It’s easier to mop up off the windowsill. As a result, she spent ages outside, sneaking in every time I went to pop something in the bin. Of all the days for her to be overly-friendly and rubbing herself all over me. Ew.

Now, she doesn’t like the electric fan heater, so trying to dry them out for brushing just wasn’t an option. Everyone knows the fun I’ve had trying to trim or shave the hair there. But I was able to buy some trimmers from Instash, that have made it a lot easier for me to shave. I’m sure the neighbours think I’m mad. I mean, what conclusion would you jump to if you heard someone through the wall screaming “come back! I just want to shave your arse!”?

Actually, at one point I swear they thought I was trying to kill her or something. I was tidying up and dropping some stuff in the outside bin when she ambled up, all friendly like. Hmmm… Back to the bin, retrieve the old trousers, wrap them round my hand, here Kitty Kitty.

I had her on her back, yowling, hissing and scratching the living **** out of my hands as I tried in vain to wipe the clarts off. When I could stand the pain no more, I let her go and checked the material. I think it had 2 cat hairs stuck to it – no **** at all. All that blood-letting (mine, incidentally) for nothing. And several people looking like they were 5 seconds away from calling the RSPCA SWAT team.

Does anyone know if you can get electrolysis done on a cat’s arse? I wonder if the vet would speak to me again if I asked.