A message to tall people

If you’re at a rock gig, don’t maneuver your way through a packed crowd just to stand in front of me. You’re over 6′ tall. Stand at the ******* back – you can see just fine and better than most from back there you bastard freak of nature. And don’t give me the evil eye every time I elbow your shoulder blades or neck when I put my hands up to clap. You chose to stand there you ignorant ****, so you can choose to **** off just as easily.

Skype spam

I’ve just encountered two instances of Skype Spam. This, basically, is someone you don’t know, randomly sending you a spam message while you’re logged on to Skype. Skype’s recommendation is to “hide” yourself to all but your contacts. There’s no method to report these freaks. The two messages I got were the same, but from different users.

[While posting this, I’ve had the same or similar messages from no less than 30 other accounts. And he’s tried to exchange contact details with me from two of them, one salled “Suzie” or something with a contact picture of a very pretty Asian girl]

Just log on, locate them and send them a ton of ****. Wanna see the conversation I just had with this prick? Here you go, slightly edited as he has a habit of just pasting the same ***** over and over and over:

[17:20:25] zhangchunli says: dear friend :
I beg your pardon for disturbing you. We are the biggest Chinese foreign trade wholesalers.
If you want to do business with us, we are glad and going to offer you the most reasonable discount, which can promise you to get more profits.If you have any time, please visit our website, contact with us and we will give you a satisfying answer.
our website: [deleted]
MSN L: wto-5188@hotmail.com [go on – use it]
[17:23:06] Mosh says: Lick my rancid arsehole, you freak
[17:23:12] Mosh says: Go on – suck the **** out
[17:23:15] Mosh says: You know you like it
[17:23:50] zhangchunli says: Lick my rancid arsehole, you freak
[17:23:50] Mosh says: Swallow my chocolatey poop chunks
[17:23:53] zhangchunli says: Go on – suck the **** out
[17:23:58] zhangchunli says: Lick my rancid arsehole, you freak
[17:24:01] Mosh says: Hehe – you can cut and paste
[17:24:06] zhangchunli says: go away
[17:24:09] Mosh says: My, aren’t *you* a clever little spamming spunk -eater
[17:24:14] Mosh says: No *you* go away
[17:24:15] Mosh says: Prick
[17:25:04] zhangchunli says: My, aren’t *you* a clever little spamming spunk -eater
[22:20:09] Mosh 说: No *you* go away
[22:20:11] Mosh 说: Prick
[17:25:28] Mosh says: Amazing. Are you using a mouse or has daddy taught you the keyboard shortcuts?
[17:25:39] zhangchunli [spam message repeated about 15 times]
[17:26:06] Mosh says: On a scale of “one” to “pathetic” you make your mother look like less of a loser
[17:26:45] zhangchunli says: [spam message repeated over 30 times]
[17:27:50] Mosh says: And that’s all you can do? How much is your **** of a father paying you for sitting there annoying people?
[17:27:52] zhangchunli says: Lick my rancid arsehole, you freak

[repeated 20 times]

[17:28:03] Mosh says: You don’t even speak English, do you?
[17:28:22] Mosh says: Ah – you’re using the keyboard shortcuts. Well done. Maybe you’re not as brain dead as you first appeared.
[17:28:41] zhangchunli says: And that’s all you can do? How much is your **** of a father paying you for sitting there annoying people?

[20+ repetitions]

[17:28:46] Mosh says: *giggle*
[17:28:48] Mosh says: You make me laugh
[17:30:05] zhangchunli says: you are a big bad egg

[15+ repetitions]

[17:30:48] Mosh says: EGG?! EGG?! Is that the best you can do? How ******* old are you?
[17:30:58] zhangchunli says: And that’s all you can do? How much is your **** of a father paying you for sitting there annoying people?

[repeated again]

[17:31:39] Mosh says: There are several of us round the screen here quite literally pissing ourselves laughing ay you!
[17:31:40] zhangchunli says: you are a big bad egg

[repeated]

[17:31:42] Mosh says: Hahaha!
[17:32:24] zhangchunli says: **** your mother

[repeat]

[17:32:57] Mosh says: You wish. She’d not sink as low as someone who’s had his cock up his own’ father’s shithole
[17:33:37] zhangchunli says: **** your mothe
[17:33:42] Mosh says: Tee hee
[17:33:45] zhangchunli says: go away
[17:33:51] Mosh says: You have no imagination at all, do you?
[17:34:18] Mosh says: No. I repeat from way back – YOU go away. YOU are the spammer. YOU are the **** sending unwanted messages to complete strangers. So… YOU **** OFF.
[17:34:28] zhangchunli says: **** your mother

[etc]

[17:34:36] Mosh says: You don’t even know how to block me do you?
[17:34:44] Mosh says: How old are you? Ten?
[17:34:55] zhangchunli says: How old are you
[17:34:57] zhangchunli says: ?
[17:36:12] Mosh says: The last time I saw a conversation with so much repetition, it was a small boy trying to annoy his mother. You’re truly pathetic
[17:36:45] zhangchunli says: what ?
[17:36:48] zhangchunli says: why
[17:36:49] zhangchunli says: ?
[17:37:29] zhangchunli says: you scold me first
[17:37:32] Mosh says: Because you have no imagination, no idea how to respond to an outburst, no idea how irritating it is to send message to people you don’t know.
[17:37:36] Mosh says: No – you ****** me off first.
[17:37:40] Mosh says: You sent me a spam.
[17:38:15] Mosh says: I don’t know you. **** knows I really don’t *want* to know you. You’ve done it from three separate account on Skype so far. You’re a spammer. Spamming = BAD. People hate spammers. Or are you so out of touch you can’t figure that out?
[17:38:36] zhangchunli says: do you a businessman
[17:38:39] zhangchunli says: ]?
[17:38:48] Mosh says: So take your 1010 account, your wwweee159, this one and the gazillion others and shove them up your arse
[17:38:50] zhangchunli says: why scold me
[17:38:59] Mosh says: How stupid are you?
[17:39:00] Mosh says: Really?
[17:39:10] Mosh says: Read this carefully:
[17:39:30] Mosh says: Sending people unsolicited messages (that is – messages they did not ask to be sent) is SPAM. It is RUDE.
[17:39:54] Mosh says: To do so from 20-30 different accounts is *harassment*. That is VERY RUDE.
[17:40:04] Mosh says: Am I keeping this simple enough for you? Or should I use shorter words?
[17:40:59] zhangchunli says: the messageshas been send ?
[17:41:12] Mosh says: *sigh*
[17:41:18] Mosh says: You don’t even speak English very well, do you?
[17:41:31] zhangchunli says: no
[17:41:34] Mosh says: If your company is so good, you’d not have to resort to this kind of invasive marketing
[17:41:41] Mosh says: What you are doing is WRONG.
[17:41:43] Mosh says: Is it BAD
[17:42:00] Mosh says: It is rude, ignorant, unthinking, selfish, annoying and not going to get you any customers
[17:42:21] Mosh says: Do what real companies do. Advertise in newspapers, on the radio, on TV. Get posters. Just don’t send random messages on Skype.
[17:42:32] Mosh says: Skype is for friends to talk on. Not for idiots like you to advertise on.

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Coconut madness and Iranian madness

I wish I could be in London for this event on April 23rd. The cast of the Monty Python musical Spamalot will be leading over 1700 people in a bid to set the world record for the largest coconut orchestra. Nuts. Literally. But how cool?

On the other side of the coin is the numpty President Ahmadinejad of Iran. This is the prick who stated that he was releasing the improperly (probably) captured British sailors as a “gift” to the UK. I’d hate to be one of his kids if this is his idea of a gift.

“Well, Abdul, it’s your birthday. Here’s a gift for you.”

“But dad – that’s my bike. You stole it last week.”

“Ungrateful child!”

******.

A note on MySpace and web page design

Simple tip – “less is more”.

I guess I have to explain that further. Just because MySpace defaults to a full-screen pagesize (******* stupid in its own right) does not mean you have to start shoving down every ******* meme you’ve ever done, high-res scans of your top 3000 DVDs, links to every bastard cunting video you’ve ever watched on YouTube and photos of your 2 “real” friends and 197 useless wanktards you’ve met on MySpace.

Incidentally, this goes for bands and companies who’ve opted to use MySpace as a cheap ******’s way of having a web page. It looks like **** – you look like ****. Pay someone real money to do a proper page instead of feeding that little troll in the shipping department free beer to whack a load of ***** up on MySpace and think this is acceptable.

****’s sake. *******.

Underwear and god

[Another one I wrote about 8 months ago… and forgot to post]

OK, that’s a weird title. The explanation meanders a bit, but bear with me.

Another news story on 5-Live this morning that has since not appeared on the BBC News web site (as usual) is about a woman who’s been given an ASBO preventing her from answering the door in her underwear. Now, I don’t know why this has happened. Maybe she’s a complete munter, or she only does it to people she doesn’t like, or perhaps her undies are a bit dirty. I don’t know.

Anyway, someone texted in to the station and mentioned that it’s actually not a bad way to get rid of god-botherers when they come a-knockin’. Now, this is fair enough, but I find there are much more effective ways, though none that may try to convince them to “unconvert” like a semi-naked jiggly lady.

Now don’t get me wrong. Much as I may lay into Jesus-freaks and bible-bashers occasionally, I really have no beef with anyone of any religion. I just hate it when they try to make it my business when a person’s religion is their own. Knocking on my door is akin to trying to sell me double-glazing for my soul that I don’t want. Both sets of people turn up uninvited, usually at an inconvenient time. Both refuse to take “no”, “I’m busy” and eventually “look, just **** off will you?” for an answer.

If I wanted “saved”, I’d find a church, much the same way that if I wanted double glazing I’d seek out a shop that sold it. And let’s face it – religion’s big money to some people these days. I believe the largest landowner in England today is the Church of England. I’m sure if we went through the books for the last 1000 years or so we’d not find many receipts for it either.

I digress. Frequently. Suggestions for getting rid of unwanted callers. Including ones on the phone. They’re ******* as well. I had one guy who rang me at the same time on a Tuesday night for three weeks and couldn’t take a hint. I always tick the “No – sod off” box on forms when they ask if they can deluge me with ***** or ring me up. Yet some people still think that they can (illegally) just ring me out of the blue.

This fella’s first line was always “I’d like to speak to Mosh”. My immediate response on the first occasion was “Well he doesn’t want to speak to you. Goodbye and don’t call me back.”

By law, if I state that I don’t want to be cold-called – which I did – they have to remove me from their register immediately.

A week later he rang back. My response this time was “He still doesn’t want to speak to you and if you call back again I will seek legal advice. Good bye.”

The next week, to him perhaps the third time lucky, I just told him to pass me on to a supervisor. I politely informed the gentleman… nah. Actually, I wasn’t polite. I firmly told the ****** that if they rang me again I’d see them in court. I had the times and dates of their calls and as I’d informed them twice that I didn’t wish to be contacted again, they’d have a nice hefty fine to pay.

Never called back.

Another one is to just say you’re busy and can they hold for a second… and then bugger off and leave the phone off the hook. Or ask for their number so you can ring them back… no, their home number. Be very persistent. Also inform them that for your security and training you’re recording the call. That always freaks them out. Note that if you are recording the call, it’s totally legal as long as the person on the other end is aware. If they aren’t happy being recorded, they’re the ones who made the call – all they have to do is hang up.

The fun one, though, is to waste as much of their time as you can. Not only does this ruin their wages (they get paid on commission), but it also reduces the time they have to spend annoying other people so you’re doing a bit of community service. Dick them around. Pretend you’ve got bad hearing. Make them repeat everything. Tell them you have to turn the oven down. Anything. Just keep them on the phone for an hour!

People at the door can be more fun as you can really piss them about. Back to the subject of the happy-clappers, I find that opening the door bathed in chicken blood is much more effective than any kind of lingerie, although some of them will run a mile from a guy dressed as Frank-N-Furter. One word of warning – others would see this as a challenge.

Threats can be great fun, but some will take genuine offense and the next person at your door could be wearing blue and carrying handcuffs (and not necessarily in a good way).

I, personally, find that a nice firm “**** off” does the job. As does just shutting the door in their face. I had one pair who asked if I had any friends or neighbours that I could point them in the direction of. “No,” I said,”I kind of like my neighbours. Why would I inflict you on them? As for my friends? I’d like to keep them.”

Humour often works well:

  • “Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit”
  • “I’d talk to you but my boyfriend’s all lubed up upstairs and if he dribbles it makes a mess of the bedsheets”
  • “If I pray enough, will I win the Lottery? No? Well what’s the point then?”
  • “Are you proud of what you do? You are? Pride’s a sin, filthmonger! Get off my doorstep!”
  • “No offense, but I’ve got a severe phobia of bleeding to death. Also, I like easter eggs and I’d feel rude sending everyone’s xmas pressies back unopened” (jehovah’s witnesses, obviously)
  • “My arse still hurts from when I was in the choir as a little boy. None of the nice vicars seem interested in my now I’m older. Are there any priests with a fetish for older men? If there are, then sign me up. I’ve not had a good buggering in years”
  • “You’re cute. Wanna ****? I won’t tell god if you don’t”
  • “Don’t you believe that masturbation causes homosexuality? Because I **** all the time and I still **** women, so you must be wrong. And if you can get that wrong, I just don’t trust anything else you say.”

I expect to come home one day to find a big X painted on the door and “unclean” plastered everywhere…

One warning – the BNP. To those outside the UK, that’s the British National Party. Also known as Those Racist Nazi Thug Bastard Scum. Bear in mind that you can piss about with the religious people at the door and they’ll just go away. Do this to the BNP and you’ll likely wake to the sound of your car being trashed and crosses being burned on your lawn.