Category: Uncategorised

No, **** that. You’re all weird. Read this and suffer. Or skip it, your choice.

Southampton, it seems, have sold Beattie to Everton. Harry Redknapp now has some cash to spend on bolstering Southampton’s defense to keep them in the Premiership.

When questioned about possible purchases, the following brief snippet of conversation took place:

But the former Portsmouth manager denied speculation he was interested in Newcastle centre-back Titus Bramble.

"I have not enquired about him," he said. "But we need people with a bit of pace because this team has not got any really."

"Besides," added Redknapp, "he’s ******* *****."

It is possible that I may have added a little to the original quote. In all fairness, Harry isn’t stupid and Bramble is a ******* liability.

Titus, while I admire your ability to hare after someone and with a split second while in the penalty area, go down into a slide, hook your leg round and with a deft flick of the ankle dispossess them legally and save us from going a goal down at a vital moment in the match if you were to gain possession of the ball and attempt to cross it to another player I’d say NOOOOOOO! No, Titus, don’t launch an easy 20-yard pass to the sidelines into row VV (second tier). NOOOOOOO, don’t turn a simple one-touch pass to your co-central-defender into a pass to the feet of an attacking international. NOOOOOO don’t attempt to play a long ball 40 yards towards a sprinting striker only to have it disappear over the line for a goal kick because you have no ******* concept of how hard to kick a ball.

Erm… for sale: one defender. Slightly used. Built like a brick shithouse. Ideal for holding up heavy things. Really good. Honest. &pound5 million o.n.o.

Well, at number 9 actually but I couldn’t resist a Bill & Ted quote.

I was just getting ready to go to bed last night and their door kept openign and shutting. Much rattling of the driveway gates (which is bloody annoying as they’re attached to my house and actually make the floor vibrate if they’re – say – slammed violently off my wall).

So I did the usual and peeked out. One of the minibuses that take people to the airport turned up. quot;Oh," thought I,"the buggers are off on holiday."

But no. First one large suitcase on wheels emerges airborne from the front door. Then another. Ratboy appears and lugs them down the drive to the minibus and loads them in. Then goes abck inside and comes out with a box full of plastic bags – definitely not holiday luggage.

This is followed by another box, another bag and a large portable telly. Malaga is, I’m fairly certain, not the intended destination.

He disappears into the house again and the driver starts to get bored, revving the engine and moving the fan back and forth. I could hear things being thrown down the stairs as if there’s more to shift, but after five minutes Ratboy finally reappeared.

Only to go over to the minibus and start to unload everything. The driver drove off, Ratboy took everything back indoor and the door was closed.

How ******* weird is that?

And a good job, too. We’ve pretty much run the old one in the ground and it’s completely twatted. No use to anyone any more.

How long before we wreck this new one, then? I’m going to make an early start and see how much damage I can do by mid-February.

I know there’s a “joke email” going round at the moment about cards that you can’t find in Hallmark, Clintons or wherever. I noticed they missed one off the list and I think it’s a very important one that they really ought to have. I’ve drafted an open letter to Hallmark below.

Dear Mr Hallmark-Cards-Limited,

I would first of all like to that you for your wide range of humourous, sympathetic and joy-spreading greetings cards. However, despite this range I have noticed a market niche that you have yet to fill. I popped into a Clinton’s store recently and enquired about this area, asking where the cards were and was asked to leave by the manager. I was, obviously, rather hurt and upset by this and can only assume that the staff didn’t want to reveal that they had a section of the market uncovered.

In brief, the previous night has been a joyous moment for me. My partner and I had shared a moment that few (I have heard) experience and I wished to express my gratitude and feelings for her and for the trust she had shown in me with that moment. I had planned to buy flowers and a card which expressed my feelings to go with them.

Sadly, despite trawling through the various sections of the shop and asking the assistants, I could find no sign of a “thank you for letting me penetrate you anally” card. This is as major an occasion as a first anniversary, a first birthday together, or losing your virginity to someone (something else I couldn’t spot in the shop, though I wasn’t looking for that type of card so I might just have skipped them).

I have taken the liberty of writing a couple of ditties that you might find useful for future marketting. I would, of course, expect some payment if they are used (also if some adapted form is used) and as such have CCed my solicitors in on this communication. I hope you don’t mind!

I must write to you, my love

As up your bumhole I did shove

My big turgid love root

Right up your poop-chute

And it fit like a tight, sweaty glove

Oh my love, you are sweet

You allowed me to meet

One of my life’s aims last night

With lots of Anu-lube

About half a tube

And my nob still smells of your *****

Sadly, I have not managed to wend the words "arsehole" and "drool-lubrication" into one verse, nor can I find a decent rhyme for "dirt-bagging", but please bear with me.

I await your response.

Yours faithfully

(etcetera)

I’m working in the office between xmas and new year. I use the word "working" in it’s loosest possible sense, of course. I’m actually spending more time building a PC for a mate than I am actually looking at anything work-related.

I have discovered that the phrase I’m using most around here right now is "Why should I give a ****? What are you going to do? Fire me?" After all, worst case scenario is they give me my P45. At which point I walk to my new place and hand them it saying "I can start now, if you like."

I would like to point out that, should you be from my new employer and reading this that it’s a work of humourous fiction and that I’m actually working really, really hard.