Barrymore’s as funny as plague

I was marginally amused to find out that the father of the guy found dead in Michael Barrymore’s pool was to hold a "silent protest" at his new show. Ignoring Sky News’ marginal twisting of the facts for a better All Words Capitalised As They Always Do Headline ("front row" means the row at the front – the man had second row tickets), it still doesn’t seem surprising that anyone would attend a Michael Barrymore show and not laugh. It’s not like he’s actually funny or anything.

I mean, I can’t blame Mr Lubbock for being upset. If your son had ended up in a small-scale version of post-Katrina New Orleans (only with white people and additional anal tearing) you’d be upset as well. However, I don’t see how effectively putting cash into the man you despise’s pocket is going to help. Surely putting the money towards a hitman would be a better plan?

Hell, if he wants to go for a bulk-buy discount, add the Spice Girls to the hit list and I’ll chip in a few quid as well. Oh, and Noel Edmonds.

Away games. And I mean *AWAY* games

What a crock of ****. The Premier League announced today that all the teams have agreed to discuss extending the season to 39 games (one extra) – that extra game to be played somewhere abroad. All the details, wheretofors and so on are included in this BBC news article, but basically… what a ******* waste of time.

The article focuses quite intently one one thing as it goes further down… the cash. This is purely and simply what it’s all about. **** the fans. Cities in various countries are offering a boatload of wonga and the greed-merchants want it all.

Let’s face it, Premiership football – on the whole – has been stagnant for years now. I’m not just talking about Newcastle (who have improved slightly under Keegan but have a hell of a long way to go), but all teams. Aside from the financial reasons, explain the half-empty stadia for each game. Can anyone honestly say that their team thrills and entertains them every single week without fail?

Simply put – the English Premier League is not the so-called "best league in the world", and it hasn’t been for ******* ages. It’s certainly not worth the prices we’re being asked to pay to watch it, live or on television, and it’s most definitely not worth travelling to Saudi for.

Other holes in the plan, though:

  • All games will take place on the same weekend. Some teams will travel further than others, so will be more exhausted there and upon return. Weather will affect them. Injuries and performance problems could then result, giving unfair advantage to those who’ve lucked out with a comparitively short trip to a moderate climate.
  • The top five teams will avoid being played against each other. What about the teams in relegation danger being placed against a close-running 6th place squad? While those just above them end up playing teams immediately around them? One odd game could really skew the results come season’s end.
  • Weren’t they discussing recently about reducing the number of teams in the Premiership to reduce the number of games? This adds one.
  • Look at the dates they’re planning on playing them – just after the hectic Christmas / New Year period. Thus cramming another game into what’s usually the busiest part of the season. Being January, players will still be missing for the Africa Cup of Nations (unless UEFA shifts it as they’re threatening), Carling and FA Cup rounds will still be taking place… and this when managers and chairmen have been crying out for a break around the festive period like the rest of Europe. Strange that they change their mind as soon as someone mentions it could make them a ton of cash.
  • Niall Quinn has been asked to make a comment. What’s the point? The ******* mackems won’t be in the Premiership past the end of the season anyway, the stupid wanktard.

Football doesn’t need the publicity in the way that American football does outside of its home country. "Proper" football is the world’s most popular sport, quite simply. American football is barely covered or followed outside of its own country so an exhibition match abroad is a complete novelty and bound to attract attention.

I guess it’s obvious I’m against it. FRankly, it’s a ******* stupid idea. But then, I’m not the one liable to make a few million quid out of it. It must be nice being greedy with a completely cash-centric view of live. Decisions are so much simpler.

In the news today…

Two stories caught my eye today. The first is about a teacher who was given a suspended sentence some time ago for daring to confront a gang of youths who had harassed her and her family for months on end. She fired a couple of shots into the air with a pellet gun, they reported her to the police and she was given 6 months. This was commuted on appeal to a 12- month suspended sentence. Her crime was worded as "possessing a firearm with intent to cause fear of violence, and affray".

Well… yes. Can you blame her? Legal resorts failed to get her anywhere as the crimes committed against her were regarded as "low priority crime". Sure, one incident of a retard spray-painting your garden wall is low priority. But all the time? Plus further vandalism, trespass, threats (verbal and physical), burglary… At what point to several small crimes amount to a much larger one?

Don’t get me wrong. I read enough police blogs to know that the boys in blue have their hands tied by ridiculous targets, legislation and so forth. I’m sure that most officers would gladly round up the scum who were doing this, pop them into a cell and beat the **** out of them. Sadly, they can’t do this. Procedures must be followed. Social workers must be brought in if any of the poor darlings may have been spanked as a child. Twenty pieces of paperwork must be filled in for each individual arrested.

You can argue that this woman should not have gone running around with a firearm. I’d say that it shouldn’t have got so far that she snapped and ended up doing just that. People have limits. I’m bloody glad I’ve got very high limits, or I could have done something as bad or worse to the **** I used to live next door to (dig through the archives about 2 1/2 years). And she was committed of basically trying to scare people – to make them frightened that they may get hurt. Not of actually intending to hurt them. Hardly a major crime in my eyes, and peanuts compared to what she’d been through.

I’m just glad to read that she got so many letters of support. If I knew her address I’d send her one as well. She didn’t fail – the system failed her.

On a lighter note, some silly bitch in Darlington tattooed her boyfriend’s nickname on her belly, in Chinese, as a sign of her undying love. Of course, they split up. I’m trying to figure out from the report if she’s 19 now, or was 19 when she got the tattoo done, in which case I’m surprised the tattooist hasn’t been charged as she’d have been under 18 at the time. Of course, she’d likely have had 25 boyfriend and two pregnancies by then. It is Darlington after all.

Anyway, his nickname was "Roo". One syllable or symbol. She has three Chinese characters on her belly. This means three syllables. And apparently it translates as "supermarket".

You stupid cow. Mind, being from Darlo she’s bound to be off to a bad start as far as entrance to MENSA (or indeed, nursery school) is concerned.

Not doing Download

Now that they’ve finally started releasing the names of the bands playing, I’ve decided not to bother with Download this year. Kerrap! seem to think they have some kind of exclusive deal with the publicists which saw them announce the other day that they would be publishing the first news of headliners at midnight. Then the third headliner would be revealed a couple of days later in mid-afternoon…

Both “exclusives” were beaten by over an hour by Metal Hammer, Total Rock News and umpteen other sites… But Kerrap! is complete ****, so that comes as no surprise.

The bands listed so far are HIM (****), Offspring (crap live), Lostprophets (know one song by them), Rise Against (who?), Motorhead (seen ’em before), Judas Priest (seeing them at Graspop) and KISS… the only band remotely tempting me to consider a day ticket.

But I’m sure I can catch them elsewhere in Europe as they have said they’re doing more dates in the summer. Of course, nothing’s listed on their official tour page which is a bit of a pain.

Roll on Graspop. Cheaper and better bands announced so far. A shame, as Download’s a cracking festival but it wasn’t really convenient datewise for me anyway this year.

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