Sorry for the delay…


It’s raining blood, hallelujah…


Thank you.

I have been splattered by the Scumdogs of the Universe. I got home in the early hours of Wednesday morning, soaked to the skin. My clothes, skin and hair coated in blood, mucus, baby vomit, space alien jizz, hydraulic fluid… And with a big smile on my face. Everyone must know about Alice Cooper‘s legendary live show. And many will be aware of Ozzy’s habit of spraying the crowd with water. OK, now imagine some kind of hybrid.

The songs are instantly forgettable. I won’t be rushing out to buy an album. However, the stage show is amazing. It must cost a fortune to set up, and the tickets were less than a tenner. I’ll need to dig out the old one from the last time they toured (13 years ago!) and see how the prices compare.

In last night’s show, we all got to see:

  • Some nameless guy getting beheaded and covering the audience in blood
  • Arnie having his chest ripped open and covering the audience in blood
  • Saddam Hussain having his chest sliced off with a hige sword and his head ripped off. Squirt, squirt
  • Paris Hilton, nailed to a table, her legs ripped off and being made to go down on herself as the now diembodied crotch was forced into her face. While she sprayed blood over the audience
  • Michael Jackson pleading that he was a nice guy before having his face ripped off. More blood and copious vomit from his baby’s mouth
  • Dubya having his cock ripped off, then his limbs removed, while… you guessed it
  • An insane looking woman apparently with Mad Cow Disease giving birth to a smoking fish (?!) before being ripped apart and etc.
  • Ronnie Reagan, reanimated at the Reaganator. Imaging Transformers’ Optimus Prime with Ronnie’s head. He has both his arms cut off (green hydraulic fluid everywhere) and then killed (blood)
  • A troll, beaten to death and then a huge sword shoved down its throat

Add to this the lead singer’s huge alien penis showering the crowd in alternating blue alien cum and bright red blood, plus a microphone stand with an eyeball squirting blood everywhere and the venue was a little bit of a mess by the end. As was everyone in it.

Anyone who’s seen Peter Jackon‘s original films (Bad Taste, Brain Dead(UK)/Dead Alive(US), Meet The Feebles) would love this. Actually, any sick **** would love this. I know I did.

More blood and piss than a dead pope’s underwear. And you lot think I’m uncultured. Shame one you.

Tesco lights

Another of those daft stories on the radio. Tesco recently trialled a scheme where they put “traffic lights” on their own-brand food products. The basic idea was that green indicated healthy foods with certain ingredients (fat, salt, sugar and so on) below a certain lever. Red, obviously, was the reverse. After the trial, they’ve decided to abandon it.

The reason cited? Customers were confused as to what amber meant.

Did they test this scheme in darkest Cornwall where the inhabitants all have extra fingers in place of brain cells? Green – one end of scale. Red – other end of scale. Orange… in the middle.

How bloody hard is that?!

Why bother?

I bought some of those new “Nobby’s Crisps” today – grilled steak flavour. They’re quite nice as well. Bizarrely, they have a little story on the back that tells you where the term “hat-trick” comes from. Which is nice. The Nobby’s Nuts I had the other night gave me details of how to plaster a wall.

The nuts are an obscure idea. Taking one of nature’s healthiest foods, then wrapping it in a fatty batter with a load of artificial flavours. Lovely.

One other thing I noticed on the crisp packet, though, was the fact that they’re “suitable” for vegitarians. Hang on – what’s the point? You could make them any old flavour, say they’re “steak” and sell them to veggies – they shouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It’s not like they have the “real thing” to compare against.

While I’m on a roll, if you’re a veggie answer me this – why bother with veggie sausages, bacon and so forth that’s made to look and taste like meat? I mean, you know it’s not meat, it doesn’t taste right so why not just take it for what it is and have it served up as mulch? For me, there is nothing like the taste of real meat and sausage. There is a local shop that can collaborate with DCW Casing customer in my neighborhoods, it sells the best possible sausage casings.

Now, I’m not having a go at veggies – people have very good reasons for their dietary choices – but it just seems like they’re trying to fool themselves in to thinking they’re eating meat so that they fit in. Is that a fair thing to say?

Ironically, I remember noticing a couple of years ago that virtually every meat-flavour crisp from a major manufacturer was veggie-friendly, while the pickled onion flavour wasn’t.


Here’s a bit of friendly advice. Ten quid on a pair of shoes seems like a bargain for about 6 months until they start to look like the Hulk’s post-metamorphosis.

Plastic shoes may be kinder to cows and stuff, but I’m splashing out on leather next time. And I don’t mean that in a pervy “glad I got the wipe-clean car seats” kind of a way. Unless I have nice company.

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I used to work with a veggie who said same thing about meat alternatives – what’s the point in giving up meat if you’re then going to eat things which look and taste like meat?

And plastic shoes? Eww! Smell-lly!

Da Goldfish

Kind of like lesbians who go out with women who look like men. I just don’t get the shaven-scalped “butch” look. ‘Scuse me, I thought you were supposed to like girls? Well, go out with some, then!

No, on second thoughts, save ’em for me.


The only time I ever eat veggie sausages or veggie “burgers” is when I’m eating at someone else’s house and they assume this is what I eat. I think that’s what they’re for, to help prevent non-veggies from getting confused about what to feed us.

ps. Did you know that the only flavour of Walkers Crisps which is not suitable for vegetarians is the Cheese & Onion.

The Girl

Hmm. I was a veggie for 11 years (fell off the wagon 7 months ago) and can relate to both sides of this story.

Whilst I agree with everything said above, for me, the reason I ate those meat substitutes was because I wanted the (similar) flavour of meat in the meal I was eating, but without having to ingest the flesh of a dead animal.

And some of the (Cauldron Foods brand especially) vegetarian sausages are pretty damn tasty served up with some mash, peas and a red wine gravy (I’ve even turned some die-hard carnivores onto them).

I eat meat again now: when I want bacon, I eat the dead pig. But I still eat tofu, soya and loads of vegetables: too much red meat ain’t good for ya…


umm – your concert sounds very nice young man now if you’d just stand on this plastic sheeting while I hose you down, deposit all your clothes into this heavy duty bin bag which I will now seal with heavy duty industrial tape & incinerate and close your eyes while I spray you with this 50% bleach solution (it might sting a bit – but I’m sure ‘bleach bum’ Scary can tell you all about that)

now isn’t that better… such a nice young man under all that slime

ps. saw Hitchhikers last night – mostly harmless, some great in-joke references but didn’t like the new Marvin body and Zaphod was played as a pure pain in the arse with no redeeming features at all – hmmm, still thinking it all over!


Agreed, Cauldron do some very tasty stuff. The mushroom and sweet onion burgers are fantastic. But that’s not an attempt to imitate meat, or to taste like meat, it just happens to be the same shape as a meat burger which makes sense because it makes it exactly the right shape to put inna bun. I don’t seem to be representative of most veggies though, in that I have never missed eating meat in the slightest and now, ten years after last consuming any, it no longer registers in my brain as food. Putting a lump of meat in my mouth now would be, for me, the equivalent of biting into a dog-turd for the rest of you.


Mmm… turd. Onna stick.

I’ve heard a few things about the HHG cast. Zaphod – annoying and not funny. Arthur – boring. Marvin – not a patch on the oiginal. Slartibartfast – best performance of the character ever.

Well done, Bill Nighy.