Author: Mosh

I’m feeling all Delia Smith today. Or Fanny Craddock. I’d rather be feeling Kate Winslet’s but that Pasta Cat fella’s got her baggsied tonight so I’m getting sloppy thirds. Hey ho. Guess you have to settle for what you can get and at least Delia can make a good supper when I’m done with her.

Aaaaaaaaanyway. In today’s edition of Mosh’s Handy Household Hints…

More culinary tips

When tilting a bag of salt and vinegar crisps up to get the last little bits out of the bottom, always close your eyes. Those little concentrated crystals of flavouring sting like **** if they land on your retina.

More money-saving hints

Here’s another good one. If you have a cat, and use a litter tray this one might save some cash and some effort.

If your cat pisses in the litter tray, pop it (the tray, not the cat) into a warm airing cupboard and leave it to dry.

You end up with nice, dry cat litter which can be reused.

And, admittedly, an airing cupboard smelling of cat piss. But, hey, everything has its price.

He’s at it again

Early morning, into the lavvy. Lift the lid, unzip the flies and straddle. Look down to correct the aim…

EEK!

Cat’s head in the way. Ed’s got a strange fascination with all things lavatorial (like I don’t…). He was perched there, forepaws on the rim, head stuck in the bowl staring at the water.

What a day

I’ve spent the entire day in one of these “training courses” at work. This one was in “effective business communications” which was basically how to talk at people and how to listen to them.

I’m 31. I know how to talk. Most people reckon I’m too good at it.

As a precursor we had a 147-question psychometric test which essentially repeated the same 7 questions over and over and over. And then told me nothing I didn’t already know.

Ah, well. At least it was a free lunch. Oh, no. It wasn’t. Because the food was crap so I had to run down to Gregg’s and stuff myself.

Gah.

Ed’s back

Well, 99% of him is anyway. He seems fine, and hasn’t even tried to lick his now-empty ballsack. Much.

Biology lesson

If you happen to eat a 6-egg chicken and bean omellette, expect not to be able to **** for at least 2 days.

Handy household hints

Never, in a bid to save water and cash, stinge on flushing the loo. It’s kind of OK maybe flushing once every two pisses, but it’s far too easy to get carried away. Or worse, to forget before you go away for the weekend and return to a house reeking of stale piss and ****.

Happened to a neighbour. Or a work colleague. I forget.

Not me. Noooo, not me. Honest.

Just a brief post as it’s damn late and I’m knackered. I just got in from seeing Twisted Sister and Alice Cooper. Old school(‘s Out) or what?

The whole of Sister and Alice himself are in (or near) their 50’s. You’d think they’d know better. Thank **** they don’t.

And now, to bed, with ears-a-ringing. Got to be up to get Ed to the vet for pod-snippage. The poor bugger’s currently starving (couldn’t feed him after 8pm because he’s going to be anaesthetised) and tried to swipe some of my beans on toast a few minutes ago. I’m glad I’m planning on getting rid of this carpet…

Healthy dinner

Last night I ate mostly a 6-egg chicken-and-baked-bean omelette. The eggs were only 2 weeks (ish) out of date, but only carried a faint green tinge and didn’t smell much.

Would you please send all condolence cards for the person who sits next to me in the office to the usual address.

Things you want to hear when you’re in bed with a really fit bird you just pulled in the pub

“My sister would like to join in… she’s always fancied you.”

“Bondage? Mmmm… yes! I love being tied up and used!”

“Oh, yes! Yes! You’re the daddy!”

“That noise? It’s the cat trying to get into the room.”

“I shaved, just for you.”

“You make me tingle inside.”

“Of course I swallow.”

“Cum deep inside me, oh yeah!”

“Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah AHHHH YES!”

Things you don’t want to hear when you’re in bed with a really fit bird you just pulled in the pub

“My brother would like to join in… he’s always fancied you.”

“Bondage? Mmmm… yes! I’ve a lovely 10-inch strap on I could **** you up the arse with!”

“Oh, yes! **** me like daddy does!”

“That noise? It’s my jealous ex-convict husband trying to break into the house.”

“I’m going to get it removed, just for you. Just as soon as I get the date from the sex-change clinic.”

“I hope I don’t make you tingle with that rash I passed onto my last boyfriend.”

“I used to swallow, but now it dribbles out of my tracheotomy hole.”

“I want your babies!!!”

“You can see that bit on the ceiling where the rain leaked in last year. Are you not finished yet?”