Author: Mosh

Here’s a story that some of you know already. I thought I’d share it with the rest of you.

About 6 years ago, give or take, I went on holiday with Psycho Ex. We weren’t technically "together" at the time or anything, at least not as far as her friend who fancied me was concerned. Still at the point a psycho, but a few months away from being the ex. Anyways…

It was the last day and we’d all packed to head back home. The coach picked us up from the hotel (eventually – it was almost 2 hours late) and dropped us off at the airport. On the way, we got the usual lecture about not having guns, fireworks, knives and so on in our carry on luggage. Replicas were fine in the luggage to be stored in the hold. This was pre-11/9 so the warnings weren’t as strict as they are now.

The usual queues ensued at the airport as all those people we’d not talked to for a week in the hotel started asking how the holiday had been and so on. Boredom does that to a person. Gradually, we worked our way down the queue and placed our luggage on the conveyor belt. Cases first, then handbags and stuff.

My bag went *PING* as it went through the x-ray machine. Oohfuck. All of a sudden, a guard is by my side and he doesn’t speak English. He does, however, have a ******* big gun.

My mind races. Could anyone have got near my bag after I packed it? No. Not at all. Had I inadvertantly bought an alarm clock stuffed with plasticene as a gift for someone? Not that I could recall. Perhaps I’d accidentally bundled a hotel towel in there and Spain is really strict on nicking stuff like that?

The guard starts babbling in Spanish to me, gesticulating at his waist. ****, he’s going to get his gun!

No… no. He’s threatening to cuff me. Holy ****, I’m going to jail. No… he’s just pointing at.. the… cuffs… Aaaaahhshit.

Nobody on the bus told me I couldn’t take novelty fur-covered handcuffs onto the plane in my hand luggage. I’d kind of bought them for Psycho Ex as a surprise when we got home.

Oops.

They ended up going back through the hold, all on their tod. This little square box rolling down the luggage conveyor with the huge suitcases and rucksacks. Amazingly, they made it all the way back to Manchester. Of all the things not to get lost somewhere near Bermuda.

I am an ungrateful bastard

One of our customers gave us a whacking big tin of Celebrations yesterday as a “thank you”. The selfish, *******. It’s sat next to my desk (there’s a spare desk next to mine) and I think I’ve eaten half of them.

I’ve hardly touched chocolate for a month and now I’ve eaten more in two days than I used to eat in a week. Gah!

Pussy revenge

I think Ed’s sussed that I’m having his knackers whipped off. I was having a slash earlier today when I felt a sharp pain in the back of my right leg. I jerked away, squealed like a girl and shot a stream of piss down my left trouser leg.

It was Ed, stretching and treating my lower limbs like a scratching post.

On top of this, he now chews my toes and ankles if I walk around barefoot. There is no ******* way I’m going to traverse the house bollock naked at the moment. Too much temptation for a vindictive kitty.

Message for Damo

Fella, get in touch with Colin/CABD (linked on my blog). I went to school with him, he also now lives in Cambridge and he’s one smart bastard. He could be the secret weapon you need…

I’d have left a comment on your blog, but you’ve got comments set to “team members only”.

Not that kind, you ******* perverts.

I was in Morrisons getting some shopping the other day when I paused at the cat food aisle. I’m trying to get KK onto dry food as it’s apparently cheaper (my arse – it’s twice the price of canned stuff), so I was stood staring for a while.

Up walks (well, hobbles) a little old lady. “Have you got a fussy pussy, too?”

Oh dear. It was one of those moments that had I had a mouthful of drink it’d have gone everywhere. I managed to engage her in polite conversation without making any reference to Mrs Slocombe, or slappers.

You should be proud.

On the subject of cats, Ed’s having his bollocks whipped off next week. Shh. Don’t tell him.

4 o’clock shitters

Every day, it’s the same. I go for a late-in-the-day run-the-clock-down crap and all the ******* traps are full. There are 5 floors in this building, each with only one shitter for gents. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve ended up traversing up to 6 flights of stairs just to park my rump on the porcelain.

Why the hell does everyone else seem to want to lay a cable at 4:00? I’ve got an excuse – I finish at 4:30. Can’t they wait till 5:00?

********.

Sauna of doooooooom

Last Thursday and today, I traipsed to the gym to use the sauna to ease my poor, aching back (sympathy vote). I’ve also used these nice hot rooms when I’ve been suffereing from a bad cold.

Saunas are good for clearing the nose and stuff. I remember one time when I was a kid, my mum got a facial sauna thing for xmas. So we all tried it out. I had a bit of a cold, so mother dearest dropped a smear of Vicks Vaporub into the water so the fumes would clear my sinuses. Worked a treat – never had a clearer nasal passage.

Then I splashed cold water on my face.

SCCCREEEEEEEEEEEEAMMMMMMMM

It felt like an acid burn. You know if you eat an entire packet of stupidly strong mints then breathe in very quickly? Imagine that on your entire face. I thought all the skin was peeling off my face.

Ta, mum.

OK, folks. I’m changing my email address in the very near future. Over the course of this weekend (Friday afternoon until this afternoon), I have received approximately 75 emails. Every single one of them has been spam. No exceptions.

I’ll post here when I change my address. The Weblog’s email address will also change, and may well be replaced with a “form” to fill rather than a direct email. I’ve located a nice little Javascript that encrypts email addresses within web pages using 128-bit RSA algorithms, so those little evil scuttling robot things that scour web pages for email addresses can’t nab it.

Everyone I have contact details for will get an email with the new address as well. The fun bit’s going to be hunting down and changing all the services, billing things and so forth that I have details lodged with…

******* spammers. But we’ve covered that ground before.