Category: Entertainment

Velvet Revolver – **** and greedy

Not only they utterly ******* ****, and one of the worst bands to play at this year’s Download Festival, Velvet Revolver have revealed themselves to be one of the greediest bunches of ***** this side of George Bush’s daddy’s shareholders. For the bargain price of $250 (in addition to the purchase of a concert ticket) you can attend a meet and greet with these fuckwits.

Seriously. $250 to tell them how **** they are and punch Slash on the nose for trashing such a promising career. It’s almost tempting but I’d not want to give them the money.

How long have I been saying this? And more…

The education seretary has said that kids should be able to play rough instead of being wrapped in cotton wool and overprotected. I’ve been ranting about this for years. Kids nowadays are far too weak, unable to fight of disease and increasingly overweight. A lot of this is down to them not being able to play outdoors properly.

They’re not allowed to throw snowballs at school in case they get hurt and someone sues; they can’t play in the mud outside in case they catch a disease (how the **** else are they meant to develop an immune system?); playgrounds have climbing frames removed in case the little dears hurt themselves.

At last a politician who may have a modicum of common sense. He’s ******, then.

In music news, Metallica announce producer of new album and another claim that they’re going to go back to the old days for something cool and fan-friendly. What a load of horse-cock. St Anger was supposed to be a return to the old days and it was simply one of the worst albums I have ever heard in my life ever. Complete amateurish fuckshite. Worse than severe pain. I laughed when I firt heard it. Out loud. And I’d really wanted to like it.

Now they’ve hired back Rick Rubin in the vain hope they can emulate the old Master of Puppets days. Good luck, you *****. You’ll need it. The one thing they seem to have forgotten is it’s not the producer’s job to write the songs. The god-awful piece of horse-***** that was St Anger was Metallica’s fault, not Bob Rock’s. Though the man’s a commercialism-seeking fuckwit as well. If it wasn’t for him they might not have sunk to the depths of the “black” album and still be doing decent stuff.

I am evil

I’m in Jerusalem. I’m 5 minutes’ walk from the third most important religious artifact in the Muslim world and the single most important in Judaism. I can walk to where that guy was nailed to a cross and interred in a little over 4 minutes.

And WinAmp keeps randomly selecting Deicide and Slayer tracks.

Best 18-rated movie scenes… my arse

A story on the Beeb about the best 18-rated movie scenes (from, I think, Empire magazine) raises the usual arguments. Mainly about how wrong the people who voted for the stomach burster in Alien are. I mean, come on. I’ve seen more realistic aliens on the Muppet Show. I actually remember laughing out loud when I saw it. All the tension, the horror, the blood slowly appearing… and then this solid plastic dildo pops out, looks cute and bounces away like Kermit walking behind a fence.

Could I pick any better? Yes. But I’d have to think long and hard as there are so many! How about Derek scooping his brains back in from Bad Taste, or the vomit-eating scene from the same film? The hilarious “I kick arse for the lord” scene in Brain Dead, or the “100 zombies versus man with lawnmower” sequence later on? I’ve only used one director and two films so far.

Saving Private Ryan‘s awsome opening sequence would have been a definite for top slot had the BBFC not (quite rightly) lowered the rating to a 15 due to its potentially educational value, thus giving it a wider audience and making it legal to show in schools.

Votes, people? And remember this is “18” not “R18” so that 3-arse anal gangbang with Chuck Johanson from So You Do Take It Up The Shitter? Volume 27 doesn’t count.