Good news and good parody

With every bit of news, there’s a flip-side. Thank **** that I’m not in the depths of depression I was four years ago when that **** Bush got another four years. Thank you, thank you the people of America (well, most of you) for voting for change. In fact, for many, voting for a change. Biggest turn out in a gajillion years, it seems.

You have to wonder how things had to get so bad for there to be such a turnout. Or was it simply that the person running against what was effectively Bush Mark 3 (and a psychotic headcase from Alaska) was just so different compared to previous nominees? Young, intelligent, not afraid to rail against the current system and – oh, yes – coloured.

Note, not black. He’s of “mixed race/parentage” yet of course he’ll be billed as being black. Why? Surely he’s half black and half white. As someone mentioned on their blog (sorry – Ive read so many today, I forgot who), how can you decide he’s black? If he had one great great great great great grandparent who was coloured and the rest of his family were all white would that still make him black? Where’s the dividing line? 25%? 12.5%?

And then there’s the simple fact of relevance. As a personal opinion, had I been a US citizen this past week he’d have had my vote regardless of whether he’d been black, white, short, tall, male, female or anywhere in between – as long as his personality and policies were the same. Sad thing is, there will be people who voted either for or against him based purely on his skin colour.

Anyway, it’s a happy time. The Bush ****-up will shortly be at an end (unless he opts to use the next 2 months to change the rules or declare war on Russia to make Sarah Palin happy) and hopefully the US will become a more respected nation.

In the meantime, click the link at the top for a giggle. And no, it’s not offensive. Unless you’re a Daily Mail reader. In which case, **** off.

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You’re too stupid to own a cat

NEW YORK  - OCTOBER 15:  Jay Jay, an Iams trai...

At least that’s the UK government‘s assumption as they release a 26-page waste of paper (or web space) telling people how to look after one.

It includes such madness as having one litter tray per animal. And providing “somewhere for them to go to the toilet”. It’s called the ******* outdoors, you ******. Sorry, but I don’t go for the “house/indoor cat” thing. If you live in a concrete jungle, get a hamster.

I am so glad I don’t pay tax because I’d feel like a ******* 912-scammer victim if I had helped pay for this ****. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for making sure animals have a good life. I like them more than I like a lot of humans. But 26 page on how not to be a fuckeit? Insane.

Now I know why we pay so much tax. It’s so morons like the handful that came up with this trip have jobs. Can’t they do something useful? Like pick up dog **** from the streets?

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Obligatory US election post

John McCain Bush 2008

Nothing through resultwise yet, but still I’m sat here at around midnight French time with buttocks clenched like a virginal choirboy‘s arse awaiting the first results. I know it’s not my country, but we have to worry about this.

You have two candidates who could walk away with it: a (half-)black guy that a good proportion of the country hates on the basis that he’s only good for picking cotton. And worse, he’s far smarter than they are. Unforgivable. And an aging warhorse (who’s running mate is, frankly, insane) who’ll just kill us all quicker as he follows in Bush‘s madness. Worse is he also seems smart enough to know what he’s doing but insane enough not to care. So kind of like Dubya, but with brains. Except for the bit where he lost the plot completely and picked one of the most mentally deficient women in the world as his running mate.

Thing is, I hang on in hope that something miraculous will happen. And then I remember what happened four years ago. When the ******* idiots over the Pond decided to put an unbred retard back in charge after four years of utter lunacy.

While I appreciate that the results of that election (and his first) were dodgy at best and illegal at worst, the fact that enough people voted for the daft **** to make the decision borderline is – frankly – scary.

Amaricans, please, save my sanity. It’s around the end of the working day out there and I know that means a lot of you will be popping by the polling station on the way home. Please, I beg you, save us all from another four years of complete madness led by the oil corporations. And worse, the possibility of Sarah Palin (porn star) running the free world if McCain carks it.

Remember that a lot of the world hates you. Well, not you personally, but the image if you portrayed by the fuckwit you’ve had as head of state for the last 8 years. And think that the slightest margin could have that legacy continued in the form of McCain/Palin.

I like Americans. I’ve met loads of you. You’ve got a great country.

Please don’t let us continue to think you’re all stupid, inbred, racist, greedy ********. Vote for the black(ish) guy. Give it four years. If it doesn’t work out, he’s not got long enough to **** it all up. We gave our lot 12 years to destroy our country and piss all over our national identity.

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Tuberculosis cases increase in the North East

el hadji ousseynou diouf bolton senegal
Dirty gobbing bastard

True news story from the BBC. Since 2006, cases of tuberculosis have increased in the North East of England by 38%. We all know that it’s passed through saliva – coughing and spitting are a huge part in spreading this disease. I expect cases to increase even further due to the arrival in the North East (though the shitter part) of one man: El-Hadji Diouf.

Given his history of gobbing on anyone who he takes any kind of dislike to, expect full-body hazmat suits to be de rigeur in the land of darkness shortly. In fact, expect Burberry to come up with a whole line to sell the the charva-infested wastelands.

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The name’s Brand. Russel Brand. And I ****** your grand-daughter.

And I don’t care. Those outside of the UK likely haven’t heard of the people involved in the current BBC scandal doing the rounds. Russell Brand (who I only heard of this week, but I’ve been out of the country for some time) and Jonathan Ross (a somewhat whacky DJ/TV personality) left telephone messages for Andrew Sachs (who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers many years ago) claiming that Brand had shagged Sach’s grand-daughter Georgina Baillie. Who herself plays a goth vampire in a travelling burlesque show called the Satanic Sluts (look for her there under “Voluptua“).

Are you still with me?

Thing is, it was a joke. Sachs has come out and said that the apologies offered by the Beeb, Brand and Ross are all nice and he sounds like someone who’s pissed off but would rather get over it. His publicist is more angry by all accounts. And Baillie / Voluptua has cancelled some shows in embarrassment. Quite how someone who’s life revolves around wearing hot clothes with her boobs hanging out, pretending to cut other women’s throats in faux-lesbian photos and stage shows can claim to be embarrassed by anything is beyond me, but what the hey.

Sachs has pretty much retired, and his grand-daughter is going to be rolling in publicity through this. She’s been trying to get a career as an actress, and what any film studio wants is a “name”. It’s hard to make someone famous – she’s just had a shitload of free publicity. And she’s hot as ****.

The Guardian are calling for their heads (surprise), while the Sun’s published photos of Voluptua with her tits out. Nice to see how our media works. And a shame I can’t find those pics online.

What’s teeing me off is the number of people baying for the two DJ’s heads and asking them to be removed from radio for evermore. Hang on, if they were listening then surely they know the kind of stuff these two guys get up to. It’s often near the knuckly and Ross is known for being pretty sexually forward – or at least dropping more double entendres than a 6-year backlog of Finbarr Saunders cartoons.

If you don’t like them… don’t ******* listen. It’s as simple as that. Frankly I think Ross has/had (like I said, been out of the country for a bit) one of the few watchable chat shows on TV and he was the highlight of BBC2’s They Think It’s All Over. He’s genuinely funny. Brand… dunno. He’s some bloke that’s become famous since I left.

If we have to start banning people from the radio, can we please ban Chris Moyles instead? He doesn’t offend me. He’s just incredibly ******* ****.

And to save you googling, here’s some links to pics of the hot chick involved…

I’m also peeved as I just noticed they’ll be “supporting” Wednesday 13 at his Hallowe’en show in London. Which I really wanted to go to but I can’t as I’m flying to Geneva on the Sunday. Feck!

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