Down where you belong

The ****** gesture - fingers and thumb in circle downward motion

With the 2-0 loss that’s just come in against Bolton, it pleasures me to say that Sunderland will now finish the season where they belong – below Newcastle. Not far enough below, warranted, and in the wrong division next season but down below us all the same.

******* mackem scum. At least it’s another 6 points next season.

Gary Thuerk, you ****

さてどれから食べようか...

Don’t know who Gary Thuerk is? Not really surprising, but you’ll certainly know what the bastard’s (at least partially) to blame for: spam. This dozy ****** sent the first ever spam message over ARPANET, the fore-runner to the internet, on May 3rd 1978. And he deserves to be stabbed in the face for it. As do the retards who continue his foul scheming to this day. And the daft ***** who buy stuff from the spammers, thus making it profitable.

I was actually considering a post about spam roughly a week ago. Purely by coincidence, but it’s worked out that I may as well post it on this “anniversary”. As luck would have it, I got another spam-related link through one of the web pages I check regularly and it’s worth a look. ASpamADay takes those rather ridiculous spam titles and turns them into cartoons.

My original post hinged around the titles of spams as well. Basically, I didn’t bother emptying my GMail spam folder for a few days. From the 19th of April until the time I post this entry, I’ve received 585 spams. Not too bad considering that it’s estimated that 100 billion of the bloody things are sent each day.

Here’s the pick of the ludicrous titles. The “Enlarge your…” series is particularly imaginative.

  • Capability of ejaculation (from Normal Sexual)
  • You Can Enlarge Your Penis By 3″ Compare Top 5 Penis Enlargers
  • Blow her away with this
  • She can’t get hornier than this
  • Girls like when it big (girls also like it when you use proper diction)
  • Make it large and steady as rock!
  • Satisfactory sexual intercourse
  • What sounds like tremble doll (what?!)
  • Forget about small male device length
  • Final penetration
  • The whole 10 inches
  • Male Enhancement
  • 3 tips to dirty dance into her pants
  • Chase away your sexual blues
  • What They Don’t Want You To Know What It Does To Your Body!
  • Feel the power in your pants
  • BDSM is her favorite hobby
  • The world’s leading farmacy (sic)
  • These rep1!c@s are rattling good!
  • Girls go crazy groping you
  • Great popping cleavage
  • Bang her inside out (won’t that be messy?)
  • Fantastic rack of cleavage
  • Give her the biggest bang
  • Achieve deep and complete penetration
  • Orgasms will no longer be a fantasy
  • she has already gone to hospital…
  • Permanent 3-6 inches now available
  • Ejaculate and shoot over a mile
  • Erection for sexual activity
  • She said I have an adorable willy
  • Enlarge your schlong size
  • Enlarge your cucumber length
  • Enlarge your dummy size
  • Shoot off deeper into her
  • Bevestiging link (what the hell is bevestiging?)
  • Bestow this heavenly d\ck upon yourself
  • Increase your penis width (girth) by upto 20%
  • Make your lady happy
  • You can enlarge your penis by 3″ (yes, look at some porn – works for me)
  • Quick ways to lengthen, thicken and straighten
  • Enlarge your baby-maker size
  • Ziyi Zhang’s favorite Slkung
  • It’s easy to be hard
  • Get hard get big get it now
  • Reach deeper into her
  • Enlarge your main organ length
  • Maximise your tool size
  • Enlarge
  • Enlarge your bell-rope size
  • Upsize your sex pen1s today easily
  • Make her horny with this
  • People will tell you compliments about how you look like
  • Bring out the T-rex in you (A Spam A Day did this one!)
  • Blood flow to the penis
  • Give your pecker legendary status
  • Plunge your meat into her

I now expect to get a gazillion hits on my blog from people with small penises searching Google for a “cure”.

As the actress said to the bishop

Humphrey Lyttelton and producer Jon Naismith during a 2005 recording of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue at the Edinburgh Fringe

Humphrey Lyttelton died earlier this week. For those too young (i.e. who don’t listen to “old people’s radio”) or too non-British to know who he was, he’s most famous for presenting a Radio 4 show called I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue. It’s one of those quiz shows with celebs in it, and some daft questions. Along the lines of TV’s Have I Got News For You, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, and – to some extent – Who’s Line Is It Anyway?

It was/is (I don’t know when it’ll pick up again) a remarkably funny show if you get a chance to listen to it. The link above is to the official page with lots of samples to download and enjoy. I confess I didn’t listen to it regularly, but if it happened to be on when I was in the car it was a great half-hour chuckle. And you’ve not lived (or stretched your imagination) until you’ve played a strenuous game of Mornington Crescent against an expert.

Lyttelton was most famous for his constant use of double-entendres. I had a “complaint” in my comments the other day that I use naughty words on here and therefore I have no appreciation of the English language or the wondrous variety of nuances within it. Let alone how to be smutty without appearing to be so.

Codswallop, frankly. I could have learned from this man how to talk fluently about porn without actually using a sweary. Finbarr Saunders from Viz could, in fairness, be a more knobbly-kneed, big-nosed version of Lyttelton. Between the two of them they could translate the entire letters page of Forum magazine into something you could hand to an 8 year-old and they’d never guess what you were on about.

This article on the BBC News site is a great summation of the show and Lyttelton himself. Definitely worth a read.

Enjoy a bit of slap and tickle? Well, you’re not allowed the slap any more

Patellar reflex. Note that this image includes an interneuron in the pathway of the patellar reflex for purposes of illustration. The inhibitory component of the reflex involving the hamstring muscle is not shown.

At least, not if another ridiculous Labour government motion gets passed (which it likely will). As a knee-jerk reaction to a horrible news story five years ago, David Blunkett (then the home secretary) promised to ban anyone from owning “violent” sexual images. The story in case was that of a poor woman, Jane Longhurst, who was brutally raped and murdered by a mental case called Graham Coutts.

Coutts had been visiting some pretty hardcore sites, and obviously that made him go off and try it all for himself. The same way that every teenager who’s played Grand Theft Auto has gone on to steal cars, shoot police and shag prostitutes. Oh, wait. No. They haven’t. One respondent to the original post is a licensed, certified, qualified psychologist who’s taught in this exact field for 10 years. I’d say he knows more about the workings of the brain that most politicians. How come he knows that over 1000 studies have been done that provide no evidence that viewing something increases the subject’s likelihood to do it when the government – with all their resources – can’t find those same studies?

The motion was put forward due to an appeal from Jane’s mother to her MP who forwarded her concerns to Blunkett. Who, incidentally, has been blind since birth and at the risk of sounding terribly politically incorrect, wouldn’t know what it’s like to look at porn anyway.

The bill is stupidly worded, including horrendously vague descriptions of what is and isn’t allowed. An example of such is “an act which threatens or appears to threaten a person’s life”. As one respondent on the BBC page says, that makes at least one scene with Xenia Onatopp in the Bond film Goldeneye illegal.

It also drags up another insane British habit of making it legal to do things, but illegal to view other people doing them. Within the new law, it’d still be fine to tie your partner up, spank them and even draw blood; to throttle them; to suspend them from chains; to pierce them; and so on. As long as they’re consenting and no permanent harm results. Some people get off on that (I know some of them) and fine. No harm done in the long term and it’s a private thing.

However, if those couples (or groups) were to take some photos of each other or look at pictures of some of their friends that they had taken, this couple is breaking the potential new law. This is in line with having an age of consent of 16, but not allowing people to legally look at porn until they’re 18. Madness. You can do it, but not look at other people doing the exact same thing.

I replied to the comments on the BBC post listed above, and I’m paraphrasing from that to save repeating myself now.

I’m scouting out Oz and NZ again later this year with a view to moving permanently. I’m not a lawbreaker, and I’m feeling more and more restricted by a government in my own country that thinks it knows better than I do or that experts do about everything.

The whole situation is a knee-jerk reaction to a horrible incident that – let’s face it – would never have prevented the crime in the first place. If Coutts was prepared to murder, then he’d have had no qualms about illegally acquiring those same images. In fact, making them illegal may even have increased the thrill for him making the matter worse.

Victoria (one of the respondents on the BBC post), please check out the description of the videos you’re saying show people being raped. They don’t. They show consenting adults acting. The same way that Sylvester Stallone didn’t really kill all those people in those Rambo films, and Alan Rickman didn’t – in real life – kill a Japanese businessman to steal money from the safe of his high-rise building.

It’s porn. Yes. It’s sex. Yes. It’s entertainment. Nobody is hurt (beyond their decision to be so) in its manufacture. The world has a seedy side. I’m not saying embrace it, but I’m saying deal with it.

Having said that, how on earth would this be policed anyway? The powers that be can’t even figure out how to trace illegal film and music downloads. How on earth would they trace every single house in the UK where a consenting adult had downloaded images which may or may not be classed as illegal under a hastily-written, poorly worded law?

I know I’ve gone off on one again, but this is very much one of my pet bugbears. We’re supposed to live in a free society, a free country. As long as you don’t hurt anyone else (in this case anyone who’s not consenting) then there shouldn’t be any issues. I’m very anti-religious. Not just non-religious, but pretty much an active non-agree’er in the whole thing. Yet I would fight anyone who tried to take away the right of someone to go to any church they chose if they lived in Britain. It’s their right. Just as it’s any private individual’s right to enjoy whatever kinky stuff they like behind closed doors as long as nobody else is affected, hurt, etc., etc.

Yet over the last few years, the country’s become more and more clamped down in what is allowed as if these things have never existed before.

I’d say it’s like going back to Victorian values, but they were filthier than most British folk these days.