How to get rid of hawkers

Location in Bali

I’ve had two “conversations” in particular recently with people following me down the street trying to sell me stuff. Im in Kuta on the island of Bali, and the people here can be pretty persistent when they want to separate you from your cash.

One person I completely ignored was a women yelling “Mister! Massage, mister! Massage? Mister? MISTER!!! MASSAGE!!!”

Why did I ignore her? Because I was stood at the Bali Bombing Memorial trying to read the names of the dead. Pretty much the most inappropriate place in Bali to try and sell someone a body rub (likely followed by a quick ****). If she thought I was rude by walking off, she obviously had no idea how rude she was being.

Of the original two, though, both occurred on the same night. I’d met up with an Aussie guy, Zane, and we were looking for somewhere to get a beer quite late on. As we pounded the pavement along the beach front, a shifty guy fell into pace behind us.

“Hash, boss? You want hash?”

I kept walking.

“Marijuana?”

“No.”

“Blow, weed? Boss? You want some smoke?”

“No.”

By now I was reaching “pissed off”.

“Coke, boss. I get you coke?”

I stopped. I turned. He smiled, thinking he had a sale.

“Look. Just **** OFF.”

His smile rapidly vanished as he scowled and scuttled off. Harsh, but effective.

A couple of hours later as we staggered back to our relevant domiciles, we were both accosted by a prostitute. She hopped off a moped driven by someone else and grabbed my balls through my trousers. Now, the last time this happened, I lost my wallet. Reaction 1 – hand into pocket to grab the cash so that wouldn’t happen again.

The usual spiel: “Me **** you hard, you want me to **** you hard? Me suck you.”

She then grabbed Zane’s package. “Both of you, yes? **** me at same time?”

“We’re gay,” I told her.

“Gay?”

“Yes – he is my boyfriend. I don’t like women.”

She looked confused. OK, tactic two.

“Do you speak dirty? Bad words?”

Now she understood. “Yes, you like that? You want me to talk dirty while you **** me?”

“No, I want to make sure you understand dirty words. Let go of my balls or I’ll break your ******* nose, you bitch.”

She actually looked offended as she backed off and got onto the moped.

Still, effective. And after the last whore who touched my nutsack ripped me off, I’m not against following through on my promises. What’s she going to do, report it to the police? Prostitution‘s illegal.

I just want to say I like it here. Weather’s great, food’s superb, it’s dirt cheap and people **** off when you tell them to.

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4443 Strange things about you

Well, me. But that was the title of the email I got from Amber. Rather than foist it on people over email, here’s my version. Feel free to copy/paste into the comments or email it around. Oh, and I know number 36 is missing. It was like that when I got it.

1. Do you like blue cheese? … No, usually. But there are a lot I’ve not tried.

2. Have you ever smoked? … No. Not ever. Not once. And nobody believes me. I only know two other people who can say the same thing.

3. Do you own a gun? If I did, do you think I’d be travelling after I used it to kill my old neighbour?

4. What flavour Cordial was your favourite? Ribena

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment? No. I get nervous about being able to get one with the state of the NHS and government targets these days.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Meh. Take ’em or leave ’em.

7. Favourite Christmas movie? Bad Santa

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Fruit juice

9. Can you do push ups? Only on my knuckles – my wrists are too knackered 🙁

10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery? Don’t wear any

11. Favourite hobby? Being a geek or diving

12. Do you have A.D.D.? I guess I must have seeing as I’m on over 1000 blog posts here and almost 800 on the travel blog

13. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? I dunno – are there any I should know about?

14. Middle name? yes

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?  how long am I going to spend in the cybercafe, where will I travel to next, why doesn’t this place have a toilet?

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? water, beer, more beer

17. Current worry? Money, fitting things around various dates

18. current hate right now? The British and US governments. And the Burmese one. Basically rich power-hungry, uncaring ******* the world over

19. Favourite place to be? Too many to pick from

20. What did you do for the New Year? Got monumentally wasted in a bar in Chamonix

21. Where would you like to go? Japan is still high on my list, and south/central America. And the Antarctic. And Scandinavia.

22. Name three people who will complete this? no-one, nobody and zero persons

23. Do you own slippers? yes, NUFC ones

24. What colour shirt are you wearing right now? royal blue

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no idea

26. Can you whistle? Yes, but not as well as I could when I was younger

27. Favourite colour? black and white

28. Would you be a pirate? As long as I didn’t have to stay on a boat all the time

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? depends what’s pumping out of the crappy speakers on my laptop

30. Favourite boy’s name?  don’t have one

31. What’s in your pocket right now? hankie, spare change, wallet, eye drops, chewing gum, hotel key, business cards, camera (lots of pockets)

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Sound of the guy next door shagging some girl he picked up, then another neighbour banging on his door telling them to be quiet

34. Best bed sheets as a kid? Superman and Star Wars. Still have them.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Slashed wrist (factory accident) or split brow just above my eye (tripped on a rug and smashed my head off a table)

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? don’t have a house

38. Who is your loudest friend? If anyone was that loud, they’d not be my friend

39. How many dogs do you have? none, but the folks have two

40. What car do you drive? anything someone’ll give me the keys for and insure me on

41. What is your favourite book? Far too many to choose from

42 what is your favourite candy? See 41, though Midget Gems without the bloody black ones being bloody fruit-flavoured. Bring back the liquorice!

43. What is your favourite Sports Team? Newcastle United. Sadly.

44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Hell Awaits by Slayer

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Boring, boring football

I was walking back to the hotel from diving when I saw a few places advertising the footie for tomorrow. It seems the highlight game with an early kickoff is the mackem filth v the boro.

“Ooh,” I though, “In lieu of our game not being shown (surprise) that could be worth watching.”

Then I realised what I’d just thought.

No. No, it won’t be. Boro have been boring for years and the mackems are just ****. Basically, the only reason I want to watch it is to see the forces of darkness lose. But I also don’t want Boro getting any more points. So it’d just be frustrating.

I’ll spend the time studying instead. Or drinking heavily in a non-sports bar.

Is it ManUre’s turn?

Following on from Northern Rock plunging into crisis and being bailed out, then XL biting the dust, it seems that AIG is being rescued by the US government as people cash in their policies at a vast speed. AIG sponsor ManU, and it would be quite amusing to see the World’s Biggest *****Club (c)(tm)(r) wearing a shirt with no sponsor’s logo on it for a while.

Mind, I don’t see any jokes floating around as there were when our sponsor nearly went belly up. Given that the press is based in London with the rest of the hard core Man U brigade, this perhaps isn’t so surprising.

In fairness, even if AIG does flop I can’t see Man U joining us and West Ham in having their manager walk out.

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